Most of the games I enjoy are online competitive shooters. I spent just shy of 1000 hours in Rainbow Six: Siege and never hit Gold – I was playing this game full-time for several months with a decent five-stack and I spent many hours watching video guides and reading posts on the subreddit about current meta. I've tried Fortnite, Valorant, Overwatch and a couple others and if I like a game enough, I've spent at least 100 hours trying to learn it's core mechanics and meta gameplay. I just suck when I try and I get sworn at in game chats for losing my gunfights all the time.
It's not even like I look like I'm bad when you spectate me – I have decent keyboard dexterity, comfortable keybinds, good crosshair placement, I am great on my mouse sensitivity (which is the same across all games that I play), I'll check for corner campers in all the right spots and I can flick 180 degrees perfectly most of the time. On an online reaction test I have an average score of ~190ms (which is pretty average) and I'm just okay at controlling predictable recoil. I lose probably 75% of my 1v1's and I don't know how to improve, I'm feel stuck at a brick wall.
The only games I excelled at were Among Us (I have a great memory and I was good at setting up a timeline in my head and logicizing a testimony against it); and Sea of Thieves PvP – and that was only limited to sniper/sword type combat, because half of the playerbase are PvE players on XBOX controllers. I sucked on cannons.
I play most of my games with a fairly casual group in a discord server, they can get competitive sometimes but it's usually just for fun. I'm very competitive by nature and I recognise that I'm not a likeable or successful person so I'm already not the popular guy in this group.
If I let myself get too involved in a game, I feel compelled to type toxic messages in game chat and I yell into the mic when I die. I haven't broken anything in years but when I was 15-16 I was the type to throw my keyboard or hit my monitor, and I punched a hole in my bedroom wall once. I don't feel like I'm in control of myself when I get worked up like this and it's really hard to take a breath and put the game down.
I usually get bored in other types of games – games like League and DOTA have never been my thing, and the only RPG's I ever got invested in was Skyrim and Cyberpunk, which only lasted about 80-90 hours in-game.
Recently, my slow decline to negativity anytime we load up Valorant makes my buddies want to quit the game and I'm generally not the type to be liked by many people, so I don't really have many other real friends.
I want to change the way I feel about gaming, because my side interests all revolve around high-end PC gaming, desktop setups and parts market. I want to make friends through playing online games and enjoy messing around in casual games, and not get literally angry with myself/game when I have a negative K/D. I don't know how to go about changing myself and I'm scared I'll end up alone and unhappy because I was bad at a shooter
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