When I was 15, I used to come home from school and pour 3 to 4 hours into CSGO. I'd play competitive, watch videos, and learn all that there is to learn about the game. School was a breeze and I did well. Even though when I look back now, I think about how I should have spent less time gaming and maybe more time learning other skills, but gaming was a fun part of my teenage years and the regret is not too strong.
I am now 20. Life is starting to catch up with me. I have regrets over my time gaming and wish I had spent that time working on projects and learning other skills. Well, the past is in the past and all I can change is the present. And that's when the trouble starts.
I look at the present and I see a life that can only be fulfilling if I cut down my competitive gaming experience to 0. I cannot play 2 to 3 hours a week (as opposed to a day) and expect to compete at a good level. I also do not want to be on a lower rank. For me, it's either full commitment or no commitment. As it stands right now, I cannot afford a full commitment to competitive gaming, and all I see that is left is for me is to just quit it. The only way I see myself still being connected to this world is through watching esports, and that's when it starts to hit even harder.
I feel old. Old people play soccer/football/basketball when they are young, but as they get older, they have less time to do it. It's not a question of "hurr durr youre old ur useless" but rather the reality of being a grown up means that you sometimes do not have time for yourself. Most of your time is given to responsibilities. I want to play video games and be that same kid I was 5 years ago. But, I cannot do that in good faith. That would just be further lost potential.
I suppose this is natural. My dad watches soccer but doesn't play it anymore. Hell, even my friends, those my age, maybe play soccer once a year, but still watch the big games every month. They could play it, but they don't. They know better not to. Cause being good at soccer is a useless skill when you're not pro. You could be doing so much better with that time spent in skills that can provide you with value. I could just become like them. Be a consumer of the game rather than an active participant. But, the real experience was in participating and winning. I do not want to passively and idly consume. I want to be a part of this world, but I don't think it's possible.
Perhaps I should just move on to a new world. I should pour as much excitement into something that "matters." It'll probably be tech. Instead of knowing what the new VALORANT agent tricks are, I could learn about what the new mobile development technologies are, what companies are doing, how the economy is functioning. You know, I could be an adult and do adult things. Make money, get a wife, have some kids, have some beer on the weekend, maybe even an NFL game with the boys.
But that joy of sitting down and competing for 50 minutes with a group of strangers to outwit and outperform the enemy is not happening again. As I grow older, my ability to perform goes away. But also as I grow older, I need to use that ability to perform in things other than gaming. This is hard and I wish I had fallen in love with technology and programming over gaming, But I cant change the past. Gaming taught me so much but I have to say goodbye. 🙁
yea this turned out very messy, but i really dont want to let go of gaming but the only rational thing to do right now is to let go of it. pain
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