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Perfectionism: Owning/”Playing”/Completing Games

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I am not sure if this is the correct subreddit, but I have something that's been on my mind regarding perfectionism. I noticed that growing up, I placed a lot of emphasis on the impossible idea of perfection with gaming. Take Gran Turismo 3 for example. As a kid, I told myself that I would need to get Gold on all License Tests before I could play the rest of the game. Obviously, I failed to do so and ended up not touching the game at all. Now that I am adult with more money, but less time, I am finding it hard to enjoy games without thinking about the things I must do due to my obsession with perfection. There are so many games in my library that I need to play, games on my Wishlist that I hope to play, and games in my mind that I should have played.

Over the past few months, I placed a huge emphasis on completing the game to perfection, rather than actually enjoying it. Back in January, I forced myself to gather all the achievements in Yakuza 0 before playing another game. The story was awesome and I finished it quick, but the remaining activities in the game were tedious and abundant. Every time I opened the game, I immediately closed it and began procrastinating with Reddit and YouTube. It took me a couple of months to finish the game before I moved onto the next (Control, which was perfect). The current game, Monster Hunter World, I have 60 hours logged from Steam. Yet, my save shows less than 30 hours played because I spent a large portion of my time restarting my character because things were not perfect. Many times, over the course of my life, I had restarted my save over and over because of some nitpicky detail I did not like. There are games I want to try, such as Witcher 3, but my anxiety will not allow me until I finish the previous two games first. I cannot get past the first game. I gave up halfway through because I "missed something" and it was not compelling enough for me to start over, let alone continue.

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"If you're not having fun, just drop the game and play something else."

I do. Sort of. There are games that I want to play, but stopped because I missed out on so much "cosmetics." Apex Legends and Forza Horizon 4 were a couple of games I started on Day 1 and would play everyday. I would do my best to get all the cosmetics/cars due to FOMO, but stopped and uninstalled them because it felt like work. I sometime think about returning, but because I missed out on cosmetics/cars, I feel it is too late and do not return. Rocket League is one game I came on too late and missed out on the free DLC/cosmetics. At least I got the game on Steam a few months after it was delisted. I did have fun the first few rounds before I was grouped with people who would completely demolish my team. There are games that I play despite missing out on past content, such as Sky: Children of the Light. However, this is mainly because I wanted to play with my friends. The other games mentioned above, I am alone.

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"You might have depression/mental disorder and should get help."

Maybe. I know it is a big issue and the negative stigma behind it is something that needs to be removed. But, my pride and unwillingness to have anything on my medical records prevents me from doing so.

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"No one knows but you."

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Recently, with the whole delisting of games due to license issues or "platform conflicts" (I am looking at you, Epic Games), I have started to pay more attention to my libraries. I began taking notice of details, which are now bothering me. My Steam profile is not only missing games I can no longer obtain (Blur and Driver: San Francisco), but I have missed events and
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"cool" badges. This would be stuck on my mind for a few days before I forget. There are also games that I wish I did not have in my library, and cannot be completely removed through support. I realize that no one looks at my Steam profile except for me. Yet, I am still annoyed by the fact that my Steam profile is nowhere near perfect (what even is a perfect Steam profile?). The same goes for achievements. I feel as though I cannot enjoy the game without a portion of my mind thinking about earning all the achievements. What is worse is knowing that there are some achievements that are unobtainable, such as the Car Broker achievement for Forza Motorsport 2. It makes it hard for me to even want to start the game.

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Wishing I could start over.

I found myself fantasizing about going back in time and doing things right. That is, getting the now-delisted games when I had the chance, actually playing the games when I had time as a young child, and more. I have a ton of regrets. My current regret is selling my PlayStation 3. I bought it new, a 500 GB Super Slim model. However, as a PC gamer, the PlayStation 3 was rarely touched. A few months ago, I sold it. I figured that the PlayStation 5 was releasing soon and I should focus on having fun with new games (which was a joke because owning a PlayStation 5 now feels like an unobtainable fantasy). I immediately regretted my decision and bought a used Slim model. Unfortunately, the connection I have to this PlayStation 3 was not the same and I have not touched the console since the minute I brought it home. I sold my limited edition Uncharted 4 PlayStation 4 and Halo 5 Xbox One (my god, that console was beautiful). Both of which were untouched because of PC gaming, yet my biggest regret is still selling the PlayStation 3.

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My insane idea of perfectionism does affect my life outside of gaming, but not as much. My "all-or-nothing" mentality has caused me to procrastinate. I went from a 4.0 student in college to a barely passing student in graduate school and somehow got accepted for a job (technically training, which will be starting in a couple of months and my gaming life will end because of said training). With regards to my health and weight, I constantly tell myself that I would "start tomorrow." But at least I made progress. I use to cry over every dings and scratches on my car, but now I just say "oh well" and get on with my day. I do have a younger brother going into the same field of work, but is the complete opposite of me. He studies his ass off, has friends and a significant other, is skinny fit, etc.

—–

To be honest, I have no idea where I am going with this. I have a couple months left before I feel like the one thing I "truly" enjoy is something I can no longer do. I doubt I would have to even sleep. I feel like I wasted the entirety of April focusing on something stupid when I should have been having fun. I was wondering if anyone had been through the same ordeal with gaming and what they are doing now.

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