Look man, I don't know what my back porch did to piss you off but I gotta say, you're the most inhospitable neighbor I could ask for. Most neighbors leave a nice gift basket or maybe some wine as a house warming gift but you, you tear my lovely abode apart. You know, I came here for the nice lakeside real estate? Thought it would be a great place to settle down, maybe start a little garden. It had a nice view, fantastic hunting spot, even a place to farm high-level enemies! Seemed like a real slice of heaven until you showed up. I'd heard there was a Scorchbeast next door, but I thought "I'm sure he's not that bad." Way to prove me wrong.
Well, I hope you're happy. I've decided that I'm moving. There's another little lake nearby, just out of your reach that I'm relocating to. Don't ever come near me or my porch again.
The man with a broken porch
EDIT: After seeing the comments, I'd love to get a Porchbeast flair
© Post "An Open Letter to the Scorchbeast next door" for game Fallout.