Cram walks into a bar. Bartender says, “We don’t serve food!”
Hear about the drunk Mr. Handy? He can’t hold his whine. Hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months. Kid is in the backseat of a time machine: “Are we then yet?” Why did Vault Boy cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken. You hear about the unsharpened spear? It was pointless. How do you call a shark to dinner? “Man overboard!” Can’t get through to the funeral parlor? Maybe the line’s dead. Tip: Never offer an Anchorage veteran a cold drink. Marry a cardiologist. They’re all heart! Yo momma’s so fat… she really should see a doctor. I’m concerned. Hear about the eraser who turned gangster? He got rubbed out. A Mister Handy walks into a bar. “Ouch!” he yells. Peanut asks a grape out on a date. Grape says, “You’re nuts!” The balloon postponed his wedding. Now it’s up in the air. Hear about Santa’s stand-up comedy act? He sleighed. Dracula caught a really bad cold. He just couldn’t stop coffin. Roses are red, violets are blue, I didn’t water them, they died. You know how to make fondue? That’s a crock. Tree walks into a bar. “I’ll have a root beer.” “Talk is cheap,” said no lawyer ever. Hitman says to the calendar, “Your days are numbered.” My wife loves a man in uniform. His name is Roger. Best post-war pizza? Extra cheese, hold the mushroom cloud. Best way to have a clean conscience? Never use it. If I had a nickel for every failed math test, I’d have 97 cents. A brave man robbed the zoo. He had the heart of a lion. Olga’s just like a Russian doll. So full of herself. Protectron says to an Army recruiter, “I’ve got the mettle!” Hear about the man who asked out an Assaultron? You never will. Proper use of a comma is very, important. Popular ghost says to the unpopular ghost, “Get a life!” How did Joan lose 240 pounds? She got a divorce. If you love TV, get a remote control. It changes everything. I have the world’s worst thesaurus. It’s terrible and terrible. Rabbit says to the hedgehog, “Can’t you share?” Christine broke her neck 6 years ago. She never looked back. Hear about the poor Easter egg who fell off a counter? He dyed. Dyslexia have might you think you do? Worst helicopter pilot ever? Got cold so he turned off the fan. An idiot poured minestrone over his car. He wanted to soup it up. Is it annoying when someone answers their own questions? Sure is. If photons aren’t religious, then why do they have mass? What do you call the time you clean and do laundry? Your day off. What does an educated person call an insurance policy? Vault-Tec. Cop asked for my license. Told him I wasn’t married. 4 drinks in one hand plus 5 in the other equals? Alcoholism. What do you call 16 men on a Dead Man’s chest? Pirate CPR. What do you call a porcupine love affair? A murder suicide. Bagel says to roll, "You’re the best thing since sliced bread.” Rifle says to drunk revolver, “Don’t go off halfcocked.” Never trust a bucket’s theories. They just don’t hold water. “Knock knock!” “Go away. I hate knock knock jokes.” I have short-term memory loss. I have short-term memory loss. Susie turned vegetarian, but thought it was a missed steak. What do you call a Vault overseer without a spouse? Irresistible. Thay sey speling iz a losst ahrt. What does dad hate about Father’s Day? Having to celebrate it. Two antennae got married. The reception was amazing. The Doberman forgot to do the dishes. Ended up in the dog house. Love’s like a bullet – the exit is always the worst. Hear about the ambitious executioner? Always trying to get ahead. Your kid’s so ugly, the cat tries to cover him up in the sandbox. An overachiever died at the blood clinic. She gave 100%. Grandma went crazy on the porch. Totally off her rocker. Hear about the soap addict? He’s clean now. Why was Cinderella awful at bowling? She ran away from the ball. Burrito finishes directing a movie. Says, “That’s a wrap!” 4 out of 5 men suffer from hemorrhoids. That last guy loves them. I gave my seat on the bus to a blind man. They fired me as driver. Duck doctor says to his patient, “Full disclosure. I’m a quack.” Hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De brie everywhere. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. How do you get a one-armed moron out of a tree? Wave. Want to keep a cat from drowning? Take the sack out of the river. What do you call the best pig in acting class? A total ham. Dad is washing the Corvega with his son. Son says, “Use a sponge!” What’s a blind fashion designer’s favorite color? Corduroy. Democracy asked Communism out on a date. “Are you free?” Why did the tennis player get divorced? He couldn’t accept love. What’s a seahorse’s favorite sport? Water polo. I’m suing the fire department. They ruined my surprise dinner. Tip: Give your kids memories they don’t have to repress. Kids can’t get into my house. I had it childproofed. You hear about the man who sells dynamite? Business is booming. Why did June become an architect? To remove the glass ceiling. “Winning isn’t everything!” – Inscribed on every 2nd place trophy. Hear about the werewolf prankster? He kept flashing a full moon. Hear about the lost pharaoh? He just wanted his mummy. Oscar burned 3000 calories. He accidentally left a cake in the oven. You want some advice? I’m not using mine. Guns don’t kill people. Technically, it’s the bullets. Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy a Chryslus Rocket 69… Once is a mistake. Twice is problem. Seven times is a party. What do you call a family of geese crossing the road? Speed bumps. Trout detective walks onto a crime scene. “Something’s fishy.” I woke up this morning. It was an eye-opening experience. There was a mime with a price on his head. He had to be silenced. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
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