HearthStone

The year is 2024. You boot up hearthstone

hearthstone 6 - The year is 2024. You boot up hearthstone
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Upon entering, you see your new daily quest.

-"Take your blizzard mandated HRT pills."

You can’t afford to buy a pretty sun dress to compliment your petite (male) body because you already blew through your gold loan for the year. (477 gold at 420% interest though; that’s a bargain you couldn’t pass up.) Even through the quest reward is shapely curves which you could use for attracting an oger, you decide it’s probably smarter to spend 10 gold for oger breast implants.

-"Dilate."

Jackpot! This is the most rewarding quest you could have rolled with an insane 10,000 Reddit karma payout(1$ has been deposited in your PayPal account.

You glance over at your piss bottle collection. You still have to fill 2 more liters or else you won’t be mommy’s good little boy who can go potty all by her(him)self. Unfortunately, you can’t use friends to fill up the bottles. Fortunately, thanks to the many bottles of Mountain Dew stored in your many stomach folds you can just drink a few bottles and chances are that a few hours later you will piss up a storm.

You exit the Journal tab and go to play some arena.

"You have (3) games remaining in the so fucking unlucky queue. RNG will be affected until you are removed, please be more considerate in your future eating choices."

That's right, you had linked your social media and reddit accounts to your battle.net account because of the OJ giveaway at the time. Unfortunately, this was part of the new, "unlucky queue" system in which players who spread salt about the how many firelands portals your opponent drew have various in-game probabilities reduced so as to properly educate them about the damage their veganism has caused. You feel a slight tinge of regret for your post about how "BRO WHAT THE FUCK THIS GUY IS SO FUCKING LUCKY BABBLING BOOK INTO SHIELDED MINIBOT INTO MUSTARD…." Blizzard had deemed it "perfectly balanced" and you had been placed in the unlucky queue as a result of your callous and harmful words. Still, the alternative is not playing the game and that isn't an option.

Загрузка...

You queue with the least RNG based deck you have, cuntrol warrior(some of us ENJOY long games ok), to try to mitigate the unlucky queue. The card design is really cool, with a lot of the cards in the deck being re-imaginings of the old grand tournament set but with a little more focus on being shit fucking garbage. Your opponent is playing Demon Hunter. You hope that they aren't a "aggro" class player and could only smOrc.

The game starts and the aggro card appears on your screen. It's as you feared, he has battlefiend. He hits fucking busted RNG bullshit and starts the game with a 1/2, as usual.

He emotes “sorry”. Unlucky.

Your opponent missed his combo for the OTK, but it still rolled a 5 on his, "Dicey odds" spell card, allowing for 5 additional emotes from his hero this turn. You're thrilled to get a “threaten” so that this game fuels your punishment fetish. If your opponent emotes you before you get a turn, you get all flustered. It's been like this for over a year and people still don't know whether it's intended or a bug, but nobody wants to risk additional Punishment and creaming themselves.

You're still really looking forward to the next set, "Forwards from Hong Kong" and know that all of the problems with the China will likely be fixed once and for all when it finally arrives. Time to post on reddit.

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