You're probably wondering after reading the frustratingly obscure title,
what the hell this random guy on the internet about?
Well, this post is literally what the title says. After following what the guide says, I have become a very wholesome and relaxed league of legends player, and there is nothing wrong with me whatsoever.
Now, close your eyes and think about something nice…
(yes, do it, you self-loathing dipshit. you've probably been sitting on your computer/looking at your phone for the past 2 and a half hours, and you're probably supposed to be doing something else besides browsing the league of legends subreddit or playing the game. Your eyes are probably frying out of your skull like eggs in the sahara desert and your brain has shriveled up in your skull like a can of prunes…)
…and give yourself 5 seconds to calm your overclocked brain for the first time today…
So, what is this post all about?
(Let's just say it's a small guide meant to both improve your happiness in life, and
more importantly, a very wholesome guide written by an extremely mentally stable person on how to avoid mental and physical death while playing league of legends)
In my opinion, a big issue with modern society is that we do everything too fast, without care for our health.
On a wonderful Sunday afternoon meant for rest and recuperation, we rush through the streets, eyes glued to the phones in hand…
and when you really think about it, we're only ever focused on the destination – but what about the journey? What about taking it slow? Do we even care about our health anymore?
We seek instant emotional gratification via social media; we seek to cure our constant boredom through youtube, instagram and video games – but what if it didn't have to be like this? What if we just… went on a walk?
If you HAVE to play League of legends, here are 10 ways you can keep it slow, and retain your enjoyment of the game, while maintaining a healthy body and mind. Following these steps may also result in the extension of your limited time here on earth. If you don't want this, and would prefer premature death, please do not follow this guide.
- Take breaks in between games. After a game, stretch out your hands. Extend each arm to its maximum length and pull back each finger one by one, until they dislocate and are hanging freely by skin. The more it hurts the better. Then attach said fingers to shaco cutouts and scare your siblings.
- Stand up and do a few jumping jacks or pushups. While doing so, think about how you are your lowest self while playing the MOBA known as League of Legends. Also maybe take a small lap around your house, no matter how stupid you may look. Bonus points if you loudly proclaim that working legs are god's gift and your depressed roommate in a wheelchair has been watching you the whole time.
- no, like not ramen or fast food. go eat something nutritious, like an apple or a banana or the remains of the deceased 5 year old you strapped to the chair in your basement. Ignore the fact that you were going to torture them with your bronze yasuo highlights later on.
- Take that mountain dew and throw it away. Go get some water. PLEASE
- Close your eyes for a minimum of 10 seconds and a maximum of of 24 hours. If you feel your spirit drifting away from your body, accompanied by a choir that might sound a little too good to be true, you may have already tragically died, and while I have condolences for your family and loved ones, I'm pleased to know that my post is the first you read during your one way trip to purgatory?
- If you have friends or parents or siblings or anyone in your home, go say hello to them and ask them how they're doing.
- If you're gay, do the same while acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with your sexuality
- If you're muslim, do the same while acknowledging that, while I do not regard you as a terrorist, my piece of garbage uncle does, and I would love to hire you to go beat the daylights out of him with a crowbar if that was legal
- Don't get stressed after a loss game or inting teammates. Stress aka League of legends leads to death eventually, and I have proof of this. After losing her first game of league of legends as Miss Fortune, my loving grandma of 87 years died from a car accident the day after, proving that league of legends causes premature death
thank you for reading my comprehensive guide on how not to die prematurely as a league of legends player
yeah quarantine is breaking me send help
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