League of Legends

Contrary to popular belief, it is okay to NOT get carried sometimes.

LeagueofLegends7 - Contrary to popular belief, it is okay to NOT get carried sometimes.

Jeeeeeeus Christ. Just the other day, my friend confronted me for not helping him move houses. He was like wahh, yadda yadda, you're never there for me when I need you, my girlfriend was cheating on me with my dad for six months behind my back and I needed a friend, all that kinda stuff. What he did NOT consider is the fact I am a League of Legends gamer; one of the best, in fact. And so, when the day rolled around to help him move his crap rig into his car that's going to get repossessed on Monday, my back hurt too much to really lift anything at all.

I'm expected to carry every single game I enter. How did my friend expect me to carry him through a breakup as well? Figure out a way to be hotter than your dad, Bradley, because this pro has gotten tired of being a camel (and your rebound).

League has a major problem with rattler-shaking babies who don't know how to play the game without eighteen facades–all of those facades being called things like teamplay, teamwork, empathy, reliance, codependency and so on. They drank deep of the oft-peddled myth that we're all in this together, like they just got off a High School Musical bent.

Well if I'm not supposed to ogle Zac because he's a "high schooler" (read: paid actor), then you're not allowed to define your personal philosophy on the stupid thing. League players are BASIC. They walk into lane, poop on the bedsheets, then expect me to come and throw everything–their opponents included–into the laundry.

You know it's okay to take charge and carry the game yourself, right? What if I wasn't there–what if I sacrificed myself for your misdeeds and needed three days in a sealed cave to recover? I mean, I get it. God damn it, am I good at League.

  • Top–I always win lane and never need jungle help.

  • Mid–I roam often and am always there when you need me.

  • Jungle–I'm donating camps and countering ganks your pushed ass should have died to.

  • Support–vision for days.

  • Marksman–I keep quiet while the game shoves that red-hot metal pipe up my ass.


After years of dedicated training, I am confident in declaring myself the quintessential player: the guy you ALWAYS want on your team. If I were you, and I queued up with myself, I'd most certainly just put my own desires aside and allow myself to take the LP. Then, I would go into the bathroom and furiously, painfully beat myself to fruition to the thought of being the awesome player I just had the pleasure of gaming with. I mean, wow. I am irrefutably a freaking God at League. But as you have probably started to garner from this post: I AM BESET BY BINKIE-BOPPING BATHROOM BEATERS.

Then I go on reddit, to argue about balance–because let's face it, my knowledge alone probably rivals the curated staff of experienced players who sit on the balance team. But instead of getting to argue relentlessly in the comments of patch notes, I see POST AFTER POST AFTER POST of babies telling other babies to rely on one another. To go limp in the presence of awesome players and hope that, when they poke their heads out of the proverbial shell again, they are looking at a victory screen. Disgusting. Way to give in to your baser need to be protected by the alpha.

Aw! does wittle puppy beta need an alpha to help him win at weague? Awwww, is it okay to be cawwied, is that what the epic weague of wegends posts tell you to do, are you gwonna get cawwied wittle bweta puppy cutie? ooooohh, I bewieve that's your big pwan, to get cawwied by the alpha so your one game cwoser to your wittle puppy pwomos to gold 3, that's just adorable, you are such an adorable silly beta puppy with his tail tucked between his legs, yes you are, you wanna be alpha's properly and let alpha lead the way, tell the wittle beta puppy pwopety how to live its life because its too passive to live itself, isn't that just incredibly cute, beta puppy need his ears licked? Does beta puppy need a bath? Let alpha clean the poop off of you bubby puppy, don't cry, you'll be all cleaned up and at the victory game soon if you wet the alphwa cawwy you!

Sometimes, I get accused of trading wins because players on the enemy team recognize me. They instinctively stop playing aggressive and go hide at their turret under the impression I can somehow carry them when they're blue and I'm purple. It's downright insane how influential my League skills are. But I am also tired of greatness. So please consider the fact that you queued up ALONE, like usual, and you should expect to win ALONE. Have some backbone, for crying out loud.


A Platinum 4 Yuumi Main

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