League of Legends

[Humor] A Not-so-Serious Summary of Patch 11.9

LeagueofLegends4 - [Humor] A Not-so-Serious Summary of Patch 11.9
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Hello, neckbeards and skin collectors! It's midseason! Which as we all know is Riot speak for: It's the MSI patch so 2/3 of it is weak shit so the meta doesn't snap in two behind our backs for the tournament…intentionally.

So what better way than to liven up some dull patch notes than to give you the truth behind the nerfs!

Diana

So it turns out than when you make generic changes to a champion's stats and abilities in order to specifically make them able to jungle, you also end up buffing their lane as well. Crazy right? Anyway Diana's getting hit with some of those generic stat nerfs so hopefully she oneshots you at the appropriate Level 6 rather than any earlier.

Dr. Mundo

Aight, we're gonna be real here, Mundo is getting reworked soon…ish. We just want Mundo to not be THAT good so we don't end up with another fucking Aatrox situation where people think the old kit was actually good because the 3 weeks it was actually viable was the 3 weeks before the rework.

Garen

So we heard you guys really hated going against an AD Juggernaut top laner, who builds Stridebreaker, nukes you for true damage, requires 3.142 brain cells to play, and attacks with a bladed weapon. As a result, we have nerfed Garen. You may begin applauding now.

Gragas

Ol' Graggy's been lifting!…For about 5 minutes. Apparently this has somehow reduced his weight by some minor amount and so he weighs slightly fewer tons when he slams into you.

Hecarim

Boss I swear to god, this better kill this Friendship is Magic looking motherfucker I am sick of talking about him in patch notes about how the latest wimpy nerf will totally stop Hecarim shitting on the game…wait is this the notes now? SHI-

So we decided to finally do something about Hecarim – the Rito special. We're nerfing Hecarim's main item, AND we're going hard on Hecarim nerfs. The classic "nuke the base values and add damage scaling to kill tank builds" approach should do the trick. If Hecarim is still somehow the best jungler in the game after this then we give up.

Heimerdinger

Sorry Heimer mains, but no one likes laning against you, go sit in the corner with the Yorick mains…Uhhh, Yorick main that is.

Jinx

Fishbones didn't get the memo that it's Season 11 and crits shouldn't be dealing 200% damage anymore. We trusted Jinx to tell Fishbones given its her gun but surprisingly she wasn't very trustworthy on that. Our b.

Kayn

In a freak accident, it appears general consensus is that Assassin Kayn is superior to Darkin Kayn. In order to bring balance to the universe, we're buffing Darkin.

Kindred

Kindred heard Death's Dance was getting improved, and somehow thought that was referring to them. As a result of this terrible mixup, Lamb and Wolf were recently seen taking dance lessons. These have resulted in some small improvement to Dance of Arrows, but apparently they do a beautiful Waltz now too.

Kog'Maw

Look, we know these aren't big buffs, but just scroll down a bit and you can see we're buffing Lulu on this patch too, which honestly is the biggest buff we can give to Koggles really.

Lulu

Look, we know these aren't big buffs, but just scroll up a bit and you'll see we're buffing Kog'Maw on this patch, which is the biggest buff we can give to Lulu really.

Morgana

Good news everyone! Morgana is a viable jungler now!

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Bad news! Turns out her W has become the "Best Clear in the Game" button which was a bit much. We're turning the notch down to "One of the Best Clears in the game" which is much more reasonable.

Rumble

We're nerfing Rumble for 2 reasons here. Firstly, because of his mid-lane shenanigans dunking on our money making melee mids. Secondly, some "geniuses" were talking about Nashor's Tooth Rumble when we buffed his on-hit and we're gonna nip that in the bud because no one wants to see that shit.

Sett

Gonna be honest, totes forgot this guy existed until we caught an intern watching JoJo on his break and remembered he existed. It's probably his turn to be meta again and I can't be assed to check so have some buffs Sett.

Shen

It's MSI time, and Shen isn't seeing much play in pro, this is of course, completely unacceptable, so we're buffing him.

Taric

After a few years of Taric/Yi ruining both individual games, the meta, pro play, and several keyboards, we finally decided to listen to the overwhelming feedback to nerf the interaction between Taric's stun and Yi's Alpha Strike. Let's pat ourselves on the back for correcting this problem with uncharacteristic swiftness.

Trundle

Just wanna point out that the patch note for this spotlights that Trundle got nerfed in 8.18, buffed on 10.2, and now getting a follow-up buff on 11.9, suggesting Trundle only gets any changes approximately once every 18 months, which is the real troll here.

Vladimir

We forgot Vladimir was so frustrating to go against when we buffed him last patch. The guy who pushed for the buff was reminded when he lost his Bronze promos to Vlad and we won't make such a mistake again for AT LEAST 6 words.

Here's to not overbuffing frustrating mages!

Xerath

On a completely unrelated note, here's some meaty Xerath buffs! Look forward to getting repeatedly chunked and nuked by a champion whose miles away so that you can't reach or meaningfully interact with him in any way! We forsee no issues with this.

Items

Honestly even I can barely read these changes without glazing over so I'll give you the dumb version.

Blah blah Dead Man's, blah blah stats, blah blah targeting, blah blah heal.

The only ones worth talking about are of course:

Turbo Chemtank

After constant opinions from players that Turbo Chemtank is the main problem with champions like Udyr and Hecarim, and said champions continuing to dominate even after direct nerfs, we gonna try hitting Chemtank here. Honestly this is seems like a longshot to me but hey, who the fuck cares?

Compensation buffs? What the fuck are those?

Wit's End

After taking an item with underrated value and attractive stat profiles and completely jury-rigging the hell out of its passives and stat profiles, turns out the item is dogshit and no one wants it. So we're gonna put some lipstick on this pig and pray to god Wit's End is some hidden gem again.

Misc.

The rest is your usual round of bugfixes which I won't even bother going into here because you either A: Don't read the bugfixes or B: Only read the bugfixes to get annoyed when the latest god-awful client bug hasn't been fixed so why waste the text.

Anyway enjoy MSI! Unless your name is Hecarim in which case please fuck off.

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