-Hello, please take a seat.
You sit on the chair as the man tells you.
-We shall begin our interview. It will be quick, so no need to worry. So, do you have any experience about programming or game design?
You look at the man with a confused face. “N-no, I dropped out of high school, I was hoping of janitorial staff or something, I mean I’m not suited for game design and such”
The man starts laughing
-Hahaha, I see you are a funny guy, you’ll blend in perfect with us.
You look at the man confused
-So you don’ have any game design experience, you see we are a game company. Have you played any video game?
“Uhh, I used to go out and play with my friends, but nothing much” you say, wondering what that has to do with being a janitor.
-Ahh, so you know just a little about gaming, and don’t have any experience about designing one. PERFECT! You are hired!
You are shocked. “W-what?”
-Ahh, don’t worry, we have 200+ years of collective game design experience, we can lend you some, cmon let’s visit the departments, I’m sure you can find one that suits you.
You don’t know what to do, but instinctively follow what the man told you. You two make your way to an office.
-This is the balance team, many new members had started here. Let’s take a peek and we’ll se if it suits you.
He opens the door and you walk in the room.
One of the employees welcome you.
-Oh hello rookie, welcome to the balance team. Come, sit, we were just starting to make the new patch.
You sit to one if the chairs as the meeting starts. One of the employees project the presentation
-Alright these are the champions with the highest winrates. You see those right rookie? We don’t touch those. Especially if they are in top lane. So let’s take those champions out of the list and move on.
The man throws a bunch of small envelopes on the middle of the table, and asks you to pick one. You pick a random card. You pick one and open it. The card reads out as “Mordekaiser”
-Ah, great. We haven’t touched him in a while. You see that special coin? Flip it.
You grab the coin. One side is painted green with the word “buff”, and the other side is red with the word “nerf”. “Is this really how you do this job, deciding everything random” you ask.
-Don’t worry rookie, that’s how we do business now, and it works so don’t worry.
You are confused, but still flip the coin. It lands on “buff”
-Alright roll those two dices in front of you know
You look at the table to see 2 strange dices. One is a 5 sided dice, with the letters “P,Q,W,E and R” on each side. The other is a 40-sided dice with a number printed on each side. You roll both. The first dice lands on “E”, and the other on “2”
-2 on E, hmm, so we shall reduce the cooldown on his E by 2 seconds, uhhhhh, on final rank.
You look at the riot employee that made the suggestion. You think that it feels stupid to make the game balance like this.
-PERFECT! I’m adding it to the notes now. You see, rookie? It’s that simple. Now, I’m nerfing Azir because why not? Adding those too. Now for the next character, pick another envelope
“I don’t understand, also what is that big red button there?” You ask, in curiosity and confusion.
-You’ll get used to it, don’t worry. Also, that button is the ultimate nerf, killing any champion it touches, only preserved for the most broken champions. The ultimate nerf, the one and fearful, “-5 movement speed!”
Everyone gasps with shock as they hear it, but you still look confused.
-You know what, why don’t you look at the other teams as well? Maybe you’ll find them better.
You look at your employer, and nod in agreement. You two now make your way to another room.
-This is the Art and Design team
A breeze of warm air hits you as the man opens a steel vault door.
You peek inside, and what you see horrifies you. There is a teen on a throne, watching anime, throwing random characters into a machine which looks like a meat grinder while there are tens of men and woman chained from their necks, drawing and animating stuff on the screens in front of them.
-That machine is our “champion mixer”, it creates new character from what gets thrown into it. That guy up there is the leader of the team, he “inspires” the artists for their work. He recently started watching anime, so it mixes with the designs, but whatever. And those people down there are the artists, making the visuals and music. It seems that taking the families of people hostage and chaining them makes them work wonderfully!
One man notices you, and looks into your eyes with his deformed face. “W-water, p-please” he says with a fading voice.
-Uhh, let’s move to the next department, shall we?
He drags you out of the “Design and Art” room as you slowly collect your mind.
-Let’s visit the writing team, maybe you’ll find them better
You two walk on a corridor and pass a glass office with chimpanzees in it. You stop and ask what that place is.
-Oh, that’s the “Bugs and Glitches” team, you see those chimpanzees are highly trained and are able to write code.
You look at them, amazed.
-But they usually make a mess, and that’s where Dave gets in.
He knocks on the glass, and a gorilla waves his hand to you.
-That’s Dave, he handles the things that those chimps break. We should consider giving him a rise some time. Alright let’s go one
As you walk, you can hear classical music getting louder and louder. You finally reach the source of it, a door, and as you open it, you see people on typewrites, smoking a cigar, drinking wine and writing something. They don’t even bother to welcome you, and keep writing.
-They are the writers, responsible for voice lines and lore. To be honest they really make good work. Did you knew that got this position by being a writer? Well, not really, but still. I was a member of the balance team, and after one day I saw my daughter playing with her dolls while watching a cartoon, so I decided to make a champion based on that, wrote my ideas and sent them to the higher ups. And they liked it, so I thought “Why don’t we make a character with the sole reason of making money” and it worked, so I got a raise and now I’m the manager of all departments here. And I’m proud of my work, did you read Seraphine’s story? That’s my biggest accomplishment!
You stop, and look at the man.
Your mind stops
You find yourself inside a grand machine of misery and capitalism.
Close the door and walk towards the man.
You look at him in the eyes, raise your hand.
“I…….I w-will……” . . . . . You start breathing heavily . . . . . “I think I will work in the balance team”
-Perfect! You can start right now! Let’s go, my workmate, and congratulations on your new job!
He shakes your hand, and you two walk towards the Balance Team Office as the new employee of the Riot Games.
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