League of Legends

[Satire] Riot Comes Clean on Loser’s Queue on Twitter: “Fine, you got us, YES. Every game you win does (SLIGHTLY) increase your chances of playing with Rob Schneider.”

LeagueofLegends6 - [Satire] Riot Comes Clean on Loser's Queue on Twitter: "Fine, you got us, YES. Every game you win does (SLIGHTLY) increase your chances of playing with Rob Schneider."

Amid allegations of rigging matches in their popular online MOBA League of Legends, Riot Games has issued an admission on their official Twitter page. It is believed this response is the result of all the sapient and on-the-nose complaints issued by the community at large, creating a supermassive beam of purified objective criticism that obliterated the company's stalwart barrier against substantial change.

While an admission, the Twitter thread reads more like an errant rant. It is eight posts long, starting with the main admission:

Fine, you got us, YES. Every game you win does (SLIGHTLY) increase your chances of playing with Rob Schneider. (1/8)

After this, Riot Games for some reason went on to clarify who Rob Schneider was.

American actor, comedian, screenwriter, and director. You may recognize him from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. He plays top in League, we all really love his sense of humor. (2/8)

What comes next, however, hits far harder: Riot admits to arranging a sort of deal with the famed actor.

Earlier this year Rob Schneider approached us and asked, in no uncertain terms, if we could help him reach high elo. This was so he may conduct a method acting study on pro players for an upcoming film. (3/8)

And–again–Riot breaks away from their explanation to expound on the actor's upcoming movie. This is being cited in many popular theories that this apology is a hoax advertisement for the film star.

Deuce Bigalow: Check out my Big Ego follows the events of the original film. Deuce chases love and infamy through the esports circuit, which he believes holds untold Ladies potential for eligible bachelors like himself. (4/8)

The fifth of eight tweets dedicated to explaining this substantial problem… is also spent in advertising earnest, featuring Rob Schneider in his role of Nazo, the Italian Delivery Driver from Mr. Deeds 2002. The image seems to be a low-resolution, first-result pick from Google, if you were to search "funny Rob Schneider Mr Deeds." It comes with the following caption:

"Holy shit, it's a cat!" We DON'T apologize for giving Robby his chance to shine bright. Fuck you. Fuck every single one of you jokes. You think we're the reason you lose games? The reason you lose games is because we are expected to plop ten of you bastards into summoner's rift–and somehow keep you all in line long enough to play our game the intended way. It's like trying to get a bunch of preschoolers to play Pathfinder, Jesus H. (5/8)


After this strange rant, the explanation comes back on track with a very succinct statement.

Yes in(mr.)deed(s), we tweaked our algos a bit to make it so that players on a winstreak in Mr. Schneider's elo range would have an (again: slightly) higher chance of getting into his games. The idea was to soft-boost him to diamond or above. (6/8)

There's not much to say about the next part of the thread. It's just the same fucking image of Nazo, now with a warm pink filter, with the following text:

We're so proud of him. (7/8)

Finally, the thread concludes with a much-needed apology. Although it quite clearly rings of derision…

Please accept our apologies for being SO inclined to support an actor's career. It must have been SO hard for you to carry Mr. Schneider for ONE game so he can ACT IN HIS DREAM ROLE. So, so sorry everyone, we've fixed the algo so now you can go back to playing with NON FAMOUS people. Our mistake. (8/8)

The last morsel of info from Riot comes in their singular reply to the Twitter thread's comments. The user SauerSauce snaps at the game company with:

What an utterly ridiculous situation. The fact you all thought it was okay to do this? THAT is not okay. Thank you for coming clean but this is going to take a lot of hard work to overcome. It's not as serious as some of your other 'problems,' but it is the most glaringly stupid. I mean… what?

In response, Riot just said:

Again, we apologize. We meant to say that Deuce Bigalow: Look at my Big Elo is a sequel to the TWO-THOUSAND-AND-FIVE film, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. We see why you're so angry at us.

No one else involved has come to the plate to give statements. Although–thanks to anonymous internet sleuthing–it is now heavily believed that Rob Schneider may have been duo queuing with Adam Sandler every single game.

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