League of Legends

[Satire] The Rammus Dilemma: How an Armordillo Exposes the Existential Dread of League

LeagueofLegends8 - [Satire] The Rammus Dilemma: How an Armordillo Exposes the Existential Dread of League

In a lore familiar with humanizing great champions, there are none more human than Rammus.

This seems contrary to reason, since he is an armadillo given intelligence and the ability to roll around. His tours around the Shuriman Wastes speak to some, perhaps, but his overall design is ridiculous.

But how does Rammus cuddle?

The Rammus's Dilemma: imagine several of the armordillo in frigid weather. Their instincts tell them all that the best way to stay warm is to huddle together–except their armored spikes make such an act impossible. So there they sit shivering; a group of sad creatures, intent on becoming intimate for warmth yet unable to do so.

But it's not his dilemma alone. It's yours, too. When you queue up for League, your intention (whether you admit it or not) is to huddle close to your teammates in order to win. Yet it rarely works that way, because although our backs are free of spikes, we nonethelees fail to come together without harm. That harm arrives in the form of:




"Whatever the truth may be, Rammus keeps his own counsel and stops for no one as he roams the desert."

Just how no one knows Rammus's origin or can stop him long enough to ask, we don't understand why or how we've grown our spikes. We become frustrated further with every game lost to inting, rage splitting, rage quitting. Why? Why are we unable to connect with one another? Every time I rely on my team, it all comes apart.

"And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover

To entertain these fair well-spoken days,

I am determinèd to prove a villain

And hate the idle pleasures of these days"

Rammus's Dilemma turns humans towards toxic individualism. Unlike healthier ways to individuate oneself, this toxic variety ignores everything else for the I, Me, Myself. Features include:

  • Throwing the game on purpose. Why not? Even if it's fleeting, my desire for a mulligan is more important than nine others' time. The only way to do better is for me to do better: and by losing games that dare challenge my mindset, I can protect it for one more match.

  • Banning a teammate's hovered champion. I know best. I've seen it all before. According to what my memory tells me… all I remember are those intensely sad moments where I trusted someone and got burned for it. So no more of that–ill even get a perverted sense of enjoyment from seizing control. When they get mad, it means they were always mad, and just goes to show teamwork isn't just unlikely, it is notably impossible.

  • Trolling groups. Maybe if I go meta, maybe if I make connections to people who've given up like me, I can have that intimacy I had started to miss. We're on Pleasure Island, parodixical toxic individuals who want an us without any of the rules. And we might turn into asses, but that's okay. Just as long as I'm allowed to be me without any effort.

  • Flaming. If I abuse others with taunts and jabs, they'll get angry. They might reciprocate, send a message back. And then I can hate them better. By getting into the thick of our argument, I can forget about all the confusing and conflicting emotions which drove me to lash out in the first place. I'm inscrutable after all, an individual, and no one should be allowed to understand me or I might get abused.

In a perfect world, a team of five could clearly state their goals, act on those goals without a hitch, and win a fun challenging game of League. When others "hold us back," the perfect world warps into an ideal where one can have goals and act on them with impunity. We want to escape to that perfect world, which is why the most toxic individual lives in a state of constant escapism.

Let's get back to Rammus. At the end of his lighthearted and whimsical lore entry is a heavy question.

"But how can such a benevolent, epicurean soul herald an age of destruction?"

Rammus represents to the Shuriman Wastes an escape from the human condition. An individual who, in his withdrawn state, manages to lead a magical life and change the world without changing himself. Yet it's that very kind of being that threatens destruction, for one day a being like Rammus will come along and not be so benign. When the spikes no longer matter, when intimacy is not a requirement for participating wholesomely in the world, we are in danger of losing everything. The bad parts, yes, but also the good ones.

And you can see that happening to League. A playerbase frustrated with itself and inundated with Rammus's (streamers) constantly demands hotfixes and features to force out any room for error. And by doing so, wind up creating an existence where nothing matters. It's telling that the ranks with the most prevalent toxicity, diamond 4, is also where the game is at its most meaningless. It's also when players really begin to "know" one another.

So how does this get fixed?

Rammus is a living compromise to his own dilemma. He represents players who tell others to "mute everyone" and "keep your head down." By speaking in truncated grunts (hmph, yeah, okay) the armordillo understands he has spikes, but also understands the importance of trying. If even a little. Given all the tools necessary to supercede humanity, Rammus chooses to instead participate. I know you guys like anime so if you want other examples, look at Mob Psycho 100 or Evangelion.

Be like Rammus: choose to trust your teammates and accept the risk of miscommunication, failure, and anger. Don't try to escape just because you have ways to. It's just a game, after all, and if League provides anything, it's the ability to practice new things with the only consequence being your nexus exploding.

TL;DR: I am sexually attracted to Rammus

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