League of Legends

Which LOL champions are war criminals?

LeagueofLegends9 - Which LOL champions are war criminals?
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As a break from the preseason madness i decided to compile every single champion (and surprisingly even player) that would inevitably be tried in the Hague for war crimes. Of course you could say that no war crimes were commited since no parties in Runeterra signed any of these, but to that I say, fuck off. Also, since magic does not exist on earth, for the sake of completeness I'll classify any magic which bears resemblance to chemical or biological weapons as such. I'll be listing the champions off alphabetically (because I can't be bothered to do it any other way).

But first some sources that I'll be using throughout this list:

The Convention on Certain Conventional Weapons and its:

  • Protocol II (henceforth reffered to as "A") which restricts the use of landmines and booby traps.

  • Protocol III (henceforth reffered to as "B") which restricts the use of incendiary weapons.

The Geneva Protocol (henceforth reffered to as "C") which prohibits the use of chemical and biological warfare.

The 1949 Geneva Conventions (henceforth reffered to as "D1 and D2") and more specifically:

  • Perfidy

  • Not respecting the white flag

The war criminals at hand:

Amumu – The Sad Mummy is a rather surprising start to our list, breaking C as indicated from his passive and W. Killing people simply by touching or crying on them is no ordinary way to fight. You might say it's a curse, I say it's a war crime.

Brand – The Burning Vengeance is a tricky case as all his skills (and passive) have a fiery dispositon, but he technically doesn't break B since he wields no weapons, but rather is one. As such I classify Brand not only as a war criminal, but as walking war crime.

Caitlyn – The Sheriff of Piltover blatantly breaks A through her W, now a bear trap in and of itself isn't that bad; but a bear trap containing a lure in the form of food is a whole other beast. Not even going to mention the clearly racist nature of the trap as seen in the name.

Cassiopeia – The Serpent's Embrace commits war crimes at lightning speeds poisoning enemies left and right with her Q and W, both of them breaking C. I don't care that as a snake "it's natural to her", no matter how natural and GMO-free your deadly poisons are, they still make you a war criminal for using them.

Corki – The Daring Bombardier surprisingly enough isn't a war criminal because of his heavy ordnance (for some reason bombing people is fine according to the laws of war), but rather because of his Q which breaks C and gives me flashbacks of Spec Ops: The Line.

Dr. Mundo – The Madman of Zaun is very deserving of the name as he hurls infected cleavers with his Q breaking C. And keeps Brand company by setting himself on fire with his W, breaking B and becoming a walking war crime.

Elise -The Spider Queen makes the list in a very GLaDOS way as she cripples her enemies with both her Q's, the human one made of neurotoxin, the spider one filled with venom, and her human W which sends out a spider gorged with, you guessed it, venom; all of them blatantly breaking C.

Gangplank – The Saltwater Scourge B with his passive which sets his sword on fire. No, I don't care how cool it looks, it's still a war crime.

Jhin – The Virtuoso lays explosive traps with his E breaking both A and peoples hopes of having two functional legs.

Jinx – The Loose Cannon plays very loose with the laws of war as her E very much breaks A. Surprisingly enough that's the only war crime on the insane girls list.

Kog'Maw – The Mouth of the Abyss doesn't commit a war crime by commiting a suicide bombing with his passive (yeah that's legal as long as you don't pretend to be a civilian, and let's be honest, no one is mistaking this void creature for a civilian), instead he breaks C with his Q, W, E and R as all of them are biological weapons.

Lillia – The Bashful Bloom may seem sweet and cuddly, but her bubbly exterior hides a cold-blooded war criminal. Both her passive and R fall under C, while I'm not sure if her "Dream Dust" is biological or chemical in nature but I do know a couple of guys who would gladly buy some just for the name.

Lissandra – The Ice Witch may seem not that bad at first glance but then you realise that her passive turns your friends' corpses into frozen IEDs. Not only does it break A, it also breaks the rules of basic decency.

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Malzahar – The Prophet of the Void has one signature move, and it is Space AIDS, less commonly known as his E. You might argue it targets the mind and not the body, but c'mon, it's space AIDS and it breaks C.

Maokai – The Twisted Treant is particularly… twisted, as he hurls saplings (basically children) to act as suicide bombers breaking A and god knows what else.

Morgana – The Fallen is morally ambigous, and that ambiguity extends to her W and its status of being a war crime. You might say it's magic, but the flavour text says she "infects" the target area which seems very biological to me, breaks C.

Nidalee – The Bestial Huntress very clearly breaks A through the use of her W; also breaks any laws regarding public decency with her dance.

Orianna – The Lady of Clockwork may seem fine, but the devil is in the details, as she uses her ball as an IED clearly breaking A.

Rumble – The Mechanized Menace is everything but subtle as he does his best impression of a Vietnam era american soldier with his Q blatantly breaking B.

Shaco – The Demon Jester breaks A with his insidious W, which not only damages and terrifies any bystanders but also fills every players hearts with rage. Not to mention his E which breaks C by utilising poison.

Shyvana – The Half Dragon may claim to just be proud of her heritage, but her flame spewing E has no place in a civilised war. I don't care that your mom used to do it all the time, that doesn't give you permission to continue her criminal ways.

Singed – The Mad Chemist. Bloody hell where do you even start with this guy. Even in lore he's a goddamn war criminal, not to mention on the rift. Of course his Q (and W to a lesser extent) breaks C. Seriously, if there was a Hague on Runeterra, Singed would be the first in line.

Sylas – The Unshackled is in an interesting spot as nothing in his kit makes him a war criminal, but if a player were to steal a certain ult, they would certainly be a war criminal. The choice is yours, you sickos.

Teemo – The Swift Scout is who everyone has been wating for, and for good reason. While Brand and Mundo may be literal walking war crimes the devil himself is one figuratively. His Q and E break C in the most blatant of ways while his R is an unholy combination which results in an invisible poisonous IED that is masked to look like a mushroom. Of course it breaks both A and C; if it were up to me, Teemo would be right behind Singed in the queue to the Hague.

Twitch – The Plague Rat doesn't bother hiding his obvious war criminal status as he poisons his attacks and throws casks full of it at anybody close enough, breaking C. Hell, his stench might also break C…

Urgot -The Dreadnought breaks C with his chemically unknown Q. insert obligatory Bane joke

Varus – The Arrow of Retribution flies straight into jail for breaking C with his W. I do not know what the Blight is and I prefer to keep it that way.

Vladimir – The Crimson Reaper's basic abilities are suspicious at best, but his ultimate takes the cake for the most obvious case of bioweapon on the list. As Vladimir unleashes a literal plague on his enemies breaking C. insert obligatory period joke

Ziggs – The Hexplosives Expert's kit may be full of explosions the only real problematic ability is his W which acts as an IED on a very short timer. Definitely breaks A.

Zilean – The Chronokeeper is one mean old man, as he hurls IED left and right while laughing maniacally. His Q breaks A by definition.

Zoe – The Aspect of Twilight cares not for the rules of war and sets traps with her E wherever she pleases breaking A. Before you come after me for this, the skill description says it's a trap and I shall heed its words (also i really don't like Zoe).

You – The Player himself, did you know that every time you flashed the white flag emote and kept attacking the enemy you broke D1? And that every single time you attacked an enemy flashing the white flag who cowered in fear, you cemented your place among history's villains by breaking D2? You might judge these men, women and creatures, but remember that you too are a war criminal in your own right.

Gotta say, it was surprisingly fun compiling this list, if you have any complaints or additions be sure to post them in the comments so that we may argue over the most miniscule of bullshit.

Cheers Lads, try not to commit too many war crimes this preseason.

Source: Original link


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