Red Tape Rocks

stellaris 7 - Red Tape Rocks

I recently played a game of stellaris, with the objective of generating as much administration need as possible, then fulfilling it. I ended up making the most Passive Agressive Rocks to ever exists.

I present to you, the Irenic Zurite Administration.

Physically weak, these Lithoids are Intelligent, and their floating bodies produce excess gas as part of their natural function. Their disagreements are many, as every one thinks they know better how to file everything, leading to added overhead thanks to their Unruly peers.

Nomadic because transferring to new positions is a deep part of their culture, and new worlds always have openings. Inward perfection, as we really don't care about what those other species are getting up to, bought with fanatic Xenophobe. Pacifist because bureaucrats don't fight. They obstruct. Byzantine Bureaucracy, because in this universe, Rock shall one day beat Paper.

At the start; Calamitous birth ensures I get things settled fast, we only crashed one habitat station with a meteor, and while it didn't seem to permanently harm anything, it was decided that doing so in the future would require a permit, and no further station crashes occurred. At any rate; This was the only thing they got done expeditiously, however it turned out to be very important. Most galaxies I play in are spiral, however for a change i played Eliptical. So we spread fast. If rocks live on it, we inhabited it. Departments seemed to spring up as if by magic, it was a glorious time to be sentient. Then we ran into the giants in the playground. A machine empire, and on the other side of a martial empire, a Spiritualist. That would likley be a problem in a hundred years or so, but it wouldn't be OUR problem.

In many ways our spread was prophetic in a way. We spread from one end of the galaxy to to the other. And JUST that. Our empire was a 2 to 3 planet thick LINE of space, that bisected the galaxy roughly 40/60. With two fallen empires on one side, and everyone else on the other. Naturally we closed our boarders to everyone, our very planets became a metaphorical galactic level obstruction of red tape that no one could get through to interact with the other side. We ordered the artist station to plan a celebration across our worlds to celebrate, even if they didn't get it, everyone had a good time.

We largely ignored the wars raging aroudn us. I think there was a fanatic purifier, but we just attached vids of their propaganda and got approved the budget to deck out the Fortress Citadels, along with the rest of our borders. Funnily enough several wars were canceled due to our positioning. It turns out that no one was willing to pick a fight with us, and with the denial of permission to pass, they sort of declared war and sent videos of how cool their fleets were at each other. Peace through BeuRockratic interference, just as the creator intended.

It wasn't long after the other races decided to make a galactic council, we decided to join to make sure they had someone with good sense there to file the paperwork. There wasn't any paperwork, it was mostly just xenos TALKING. Disgusting. There is some debate among the vaulted water cooler if being an ambasidor is a punishment or a reward. On one hand you have to deal with Xenos, on the other hand ,you get to force Xenos to fill out paperwork. Many proposals have been submitted but none stamped accepted yet. In the end we just ignored them, and their penalties for not having enough ships. We promised that we'd defend the galaxy on their behalf, but that didn't seem to change their minds. Oh well, it was nice they at least were trying to be proper bureaucrats, even if they arn't very good at it. We made up the difference in production by creating a frankly silly amount of habitats. First the mineral worlds naturally, in case anyone got hungry.

The galaxy was peaceful, except for that time everyone declared war on us for having a colossus. We sort of ignored that because it really wasn't important. It wasn't all bad either, their dead fleet taught our scientist how to make afterburners! We never really bothered, what with all the gateways.

We found the head of some prophet guy, but then the religious empire got al uppity and decided to actually do their jobs again. Then the machine one did, and they started a war. We ignored it up until they broke one of our stations without filing a permit. we smashed into their systems, and bubbled their worlds so they would go back to not bothering anyone.

We learned how to reach into the immaterial realm, met some strange xeno-gods, like "The Weever of strings" and "The End of the Cycle" When we told them we were Beaurocrats for some reason they seemed frightened and broke the connection. We were not able to find the god of Paperwork and Puns, so we declined making any other pacts.

Lastly of interest, a strange xeno-ship decided that we needed to be uplifted for some reason, Then we found these WoNdErFuL BrAiN SlUgS ThAt We NoW lOvE. There was some hickups with or FrIeNd SluGs, technically being xenos, and the ship needed some help midway to file its documentation paperwork, but between all that and the completed mega research station,science was juts plain easy to be honest.


Life was good, with around 1480 (Billion) POP(ulation), two Ecumenopuli, a progressively increasing number of habitats, and several galactic wonders finished, we all took turns spending our mandatory vacation time on our designated vacation world. It wasn't actually nicer than the rest of our planets, they were all gaia thanks to some tech we found from our predecessor species, they even got to reinhabit the galaxy! On somone elses plaents of course, their biological functions offend us on general principal. Also they didn't file the paperwork to be born on our new gaia worlds anyways.

Then the Unbidden were going to arrive soon.

We were alarmed naturally, as the self-filed defenders of life in the galaxy, we needed access to them for due processing and extermination. but our long time rivals, who'd i'd mentioned previously declared war over something silly as a superweapon, that we've only used defensively, mind you. We put forth the proper recommendation that perhaps we should focus on this issue and start building fleets. Everyone in the galaxy voted against it.

When they arived, in our rivals space no less, we recommended all efforts be put to stopping them. Our Rivals disagreed, and at that time, they were a council member, as we were, and veto'd it. I would like to point out, when the dedicate pacifist starts advocating for mandatory fleets, and the fanatic xenophobe wants to cooperate, perhaps it should be taken into more consideration.

The did not do so. This is known among the Zurite as a "Severe Misfiling Error" We FULLY accepted ans SUPPORTED their decision however, as the Council has the rightful authority to reject any legislative document they wish. They would have to live with it.

Their fleets were filed "Destroyed" in triplicate, shortly after. Meanwhile we built numerous fortress stations, converted our research stations into alloy production, and began working on a fleet. We are peaceful you understand, so we don't know how much force is typically appropriate in these cases, so we opted for what even our most militant of cubical warriors would deem "Excessive to the point of oppulance"

The next time we met in galactic council, our ally pushed forward the suggestion that the galaxy should unite and fight the scourge that was decimating the galaxy (Almost entirely their turf). We noted that the situation hadn't changed at ALL from we ourselves, proposed this exact thing. SO we used OUR council veto power to stamp Denied on his request. Instead, we put forth an emergency measure that a single council seat was all that was needed. In the interst of expidiancy you understand.

Everyone was against this for some odd reason, we ignored them and took it anyways, our rival unfortunately lost his seat, and couldn't veto in the same period he put forth a emergency measure. We made sure everyone got the memo however, so all was well.

Said rival, and distant second most powerful, was in a losing war against a foe he long ago decied he was "perfectly capable" of dealing without our help. More power to the Xeno, we didn't care for war, so if he succeeded we wouldn't have to lift a pebble.

To enourge the rest of the galaxy to be a go-getter like him, we instead pushed forward a minimum fleet size bill, and dramatic penalties to ANYONE who didn't maintain it. Unfortunately our silly rival wasn't able to keep his fleet supply up to standard for some reason.

Shame that. Major sanctions can be rough when fighting I war for lesser empires.

When his empire finally broke, and his surviving people scattered to the other lesser empires that were willing to tolerate them. We deemed the situation had changed enough to warrent bringing it up again. Everyone seemed to be on board this time for some odd reason.

Hyperlanes opened up, and we cleaned them up fairly quickly. It wasn't very eventful. we did keep our rivals diplomatic wonder. It matched well with our own, and no one else was using it. Most of that time was spent bubbling our rivals infested worlds. We had plenty of room thanks to all our habitats which drew most of the overpopulation. Freedom to transfer departments is an important aspect of our peoples life cycle after all.

By this point our government had become an ideal of a Inwardly Perfected Meritocratic Beaurcracy. Without the burdern of the imperfect xenos, we coexisted in obstinant peace with the rest of the galaxy, and their tiny, manditory fleets. We cut a beaurcratic line near the middle dividing it, and yet united them (In fear).

They could go around us if they like, for we cared little for them.

We had colonized the stars, saved the galaxy, twice if those old fossil empries counted. (We didn't think they did, but others seemed to think so) and stamped on the request of any who dared oppose us. It was time to retire to contemplate our own perfection. For in this galaxy, Paperwork rules all, except for the Rocks. Rocks beats paper every time.

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