Stellaris Big “Dick” 3.0 Patch Notes: What They Actually Mean

stellaris 4 - Stellaris Big "Dick" 3.0 Patch Notes: What They Actually Mean

"We're named this patch after one of the most renowned Science-Fiction authors, Philip K. Dick, and for no other reasons. We understand no one is buying that, but PR is making us say it anyway."

Nemesis Expansion Features

  • Send your gibbering, fungal blob-things into enemy empires wearing those novelty glasses with the nose and mustache on them to sabotage your enemies. No one's going to suspect anything. Just act natural and tell them the slime trail is because you have a skin condition.

  • Literally just, blow up the fuckin' galaxy because, I dunno, we live in a society or something. We've given up trying to figure out why you want these features and we're not going to ask about what you're doing with them.

  • Did you ever hear the tragedy of Emperor Sumon un-Ret The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Galactic Council would tell you. It’s a Necroid legend. Sumon was an Emperor of the Korr Hegemony, so powerful and so wise he could manipulate the price of alloys on the galactic market to cheese all kinds of achievements. He had such a knowledge of the ship designer meta that he could even keep multiplayer from ever being fun for anyone else in the group. The subreddit is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be… kinda bs. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was his mom telling him he couldn't play Stellaris until he fixed his grades. Which eventually, of course, she did. Unfortunately, he taught his younger sister everything he knew, including his windows password. Ironic. He could give others the power to wipe your entire species out with planet crackers just for the lulz, but not himself.

  • Added K-mart star destroyers

3.0.0 Free "Dick" Features

  • Analysts are already saying this is the most free Dick you can get online outside of being a girl with a twitter account.

  • Your starfleet officers should no longer go around launching capsules full of detailed information on your physiology, society, territorial extent, government, and military capabilities at every random ship they pass.

  • We totally redid how buildings work, again, so you're going to have to relearn the game, again. What do you expect at this point, though? Are you new here?

  • Several Technologies have been flagged as “Infrastructure” gateway technologies. We have our top researchers engaged trying to figure out what the hell that means, my lord.

  • It's now possible to produce the good metal and ipods within your actual city districts, instead of forcing all global manufacturing on a planet of billions to take place in a single building on the outskirts of your population centers.

  • Due to a union dispute, you can no longer build a Factory and a Forge on the same planet.

  • Planets now have a carrying capacity, which models the fact that at a certain point of overpopulation people stop having so many babies because the air outside tastes like batteries, dating apps are literally hell, it's easier to just buy a dakimakura.

  • Reduced the sex drive of all pops in very large empires to make the late game actually playable on PCs that haven't been enhanced with Fallen Empire technology.

  • Fresh colony worlds will now have increased stability, amenities, and happiness as the people enjoy their short-lived freedom, space whiskey, and space prostitution until the space railroad barons and the volatile mote speculators move in and kill all the old, rugged frontier heroes in a big tragic gunfight or something, signaling the end of a romantic era that will be commemorated in melodramatic holofilms for generations to come.

  • Spawning Pools now properly spawn pops on their own instead of just serving as a convenient hook-up spot for your drones.

  • The level of overpopulation required for your pops to give up and buy a dakimakura has been reduced.

  • Reworked the manual resettlement UI to make it more or less usable.

  • Added a quality of life feature where you can tell your scientists to just work on whatever sounds neat to them.

  • Empires will now be required to submit a letter of resignation or introduce themselves and give one cool fact about them when leaving/joining the Galactic Community.

  • You can now choose the form of the destructor.

  • Added a setting to turn off edge scrolling, fucking finally.

  • New factions-themed colony event chain, “Manifest Destiny”, so you can call upon the propaganda of your pre-interstellar past to explain how chasing the xenos out of their ancient homelands so you can build a Wal Mart is good, actually.


  • Homeworlds will on average be about 10% thicccer

  • Unemployed pops now have a 10% chance every month to migrate to a better, eligible planet if there is one. The remaining 90% will just buy more dakimakuras and ask mom when dinner will be ready.

  • Pops in empires with the Greater Than Ourselves civic will be more likely to be kicked out of the house and told to go find a job on the frontier.

  • Having a Transit Hub on your starbase will increase the chances that local pops will be kicked out of the house because they don't even have the excuse that they can't afford a shuttle.

  • Manual resettlement now has an influence cost because you have to win an argument with Trevor, who assures you that his neo-darkwave solo project is gonna blow up on bandcamp soon and he just needs like six more months to work with this marketing guy and you're literally ruining his life.

  • Manually resettling the last pop on a planet now has a significant Influence surcharge because you know those guys are probably in a cave somewhere and have lots of guns and don't believe in taxes.

  • Higher strata pops will now accept a normie job twice as quickly as we got them to understand that the other option is the airlock.

  • Pops born on a shattered ring will no longer be willing to debase themselves and live on a fucking sphere. I mean, seriously? Look at this thing. It's convex for gods' sake!

  • Added a warning that lithoids and ring worlds aren't a good combo but, ya know, whatever, we're not gonna tell you how to live your life.

  • Machine empires living on habitats have realized that they probably need to do maintenance on said habitat.

  • You no longer have to consult a 5-D org chart to figure out which jobs your robots are allowed to have.

  • Pops in democracies will now have a higher rate of automatic resettlement because they want to go pursue a music career in Neo-New Los Angeles in the Sirius system and if you don't support their dream then you probably never loved them anyway!

  • Oligarchies now grant bonus influence from happy factions since you don't really have to worry about what the poors think.

  • Dictators are now better at dealing with empire sprawl, as you can always shoot anyone who complains.

  • Gestalt Consciousnesses will be harder to spy on. The operative codenamed "Bugsnax" apparently wasn't successful with his, "How do you do, fellow drones?" strategy and we believe his biological material is now part of a waste disposal orifice. We're gonna tell his family it was a mining accident.

  • Enigmatic Engineering will now cause enemy spies trying to steal your technology to

  • Criminal Syndicates will now be better at spying. Yeah, those voice-activated home assistants they sold you are definitely spying on you for the megacorp. You probably knew that already but you bought it anyway, didn't you? I mean, they already saw all those dakimakuras in your purchase history because they have a monopoly on holonet shopping, so at this point, why even bother?

  • The Universal Compatibility tradition now also grants 1 additional Envoy and we're going to collectively agree not to think too hard about why.

  • The Influence cost for using Favors in the Galactic Community has been reduced from 25 to 10, as we felt that was too high a barrier to the kind of rampant corruption that regularly flourishes in supranational organizations.

  • The galaxy is reporting an overall increased effectiveness of Five Year Plans, as the new espionage system makes it easier to hide any evidence to the contrary.

  • Pops with decent or better living conditions will now buy significantly more meaningless bullshit, boosting your trade income.

  • The Food Processing Center, Mineral Purification Hub, and Energy Nexus buildings now create jobs instead of serving as purely symbolic monuments to inspire productivity.

  • Residents of arcologies should no longer demand to be hopped up on exotic gases 24/7.

  • The science fairs held to determine the new leader of a science federation will now be more scientific.

  • Enclave stations should no longer go into a catastrophic failure state if someone spills their space coffee on one of the mainfraimes.

  • It's now possible to purge multiple pops per month by stacking modifiers because we recognize it can get kind of tedious having to wipe out so many sentient beings. You have other stuff to do today.

  • Outposts are now equipped with basic sensors so you don't have to ask Ensign Valdez what he sees out the port window like this is a fucking schooner or something.

  • You're going to need to dump even more potatoes into the clone vats to keep them working at full efficiency.

  • Cloning lithoids now takes longer than cloning squishies. There are chisels involved and it's not pretty.

  • Cloning necroids takes much, much longer than cloning other species because you have to wait for someone to have enough blood potency to animate the new initiate and depending on how much xp the storyteller is giving out, that can take months.

  • Terravores will now finish their entire dinner.

  • Centers of Elevation will no longer create so many Necrophytes that you're left without any worms left to subjugate, because at that point you're just a regular empire but with more brooding and 90s Hot Topic aesthetics.

  • Everyone will stop caring about your Prosperous Unification after about 10 years when they realize this just means their vote matters even less than it used to and there are still going to be wars, but it's with killer goddamn space bugs now.


  • Continuing our never-ending mission to make Planetary and Sector automation AI at least slightly less incompetent

  • Planetary AI should no longer invest billions expanding on industries for which there are no available workers to employ

  • Planetary AI should no longer feel like it needs to spend money on something when everything on the planet is going perfectly fine just because they were bored and needed a thing to do.

  • Sector AI designations now actually work.

  • Sector AI in a custodian empire will no longer forget to build organic sanctuaries and then become very confused by all the naked, starving bio-trophies trying to break into their main processing facility with rocks and sticks.


  • MP games now show an icon in front of the player that paused so you can yell at them more easily.


  • The AI should now better understand what a building that gives a % bonus for a resource does. I don't know what they thought this meant previously.

  • AI will now buy loot boxes from the Caravaneers, beginning the grand transition to the games industry's final form: bots spending other people's money on gacha, creating a permanent revenue stream in which we don't have to worry about what human players actually want ever again.

  • AI federation leaders should no longer decide that the federation fleet should be like, all picket ships or something stupid like that.

  • AI should no longer interpret a massive defeat as a sign that they should really cut back on the military budget.


  • Many improvements to tooltips giving reasons why a certain species right is unavailable to you, which is very generous of us given that you should be happy with the answer, "You're a filthy xeno. That's why."

  • Pops that aren't allowed in the military can no longer dress up as a different species to learn how to become a soldier from Donny Osmond against all cultural norms.

  • You can no longer appoint nerve-stapled pops to officer positions, even though being completely braindead doesn't seem to normally be a disqualification from serving on the general staff.

  • Caravaneers can no longer sell you monke

  • Removed a case where you could finish a Colossus without a weapon on it, stand back, and be like, "Alright… what the fuck is this thing for again?"

  • Synthetically Ascended empires can now successfully block the Ghost Signal, which means they now have more features than Discord.

  • Random assholes with no planets should no longer be able to declare themselves Successors of the Great Khan.

  • Terraforming should no longer accidentally cause planets to expand to be larger than the black hole at the center of the galaxy.

  • Removed a case where your pops would still end up banging aliens even if you explicitly set up the game rules to stop them from doing this. And, to be honest, they're probably going to still find a way to do it anyway. But we can at least say we tried.

  • Sending a mission to uplift the monke should no longer result in them getting mad, tipping the monolith over, and using it as a shiny toilet.

  • Can no longer use your diplomats to neg other empires into liking you.

  • You can no longer reap the political capital from ignoring a galactic resolution to satisfy your people and then immediately take steps to do the opposite of what you said you would do, making the game less realistic.

  • Local authorities will no longer try to maintain the corpse-strewn Subterranean Contact Zone as a tourist attraction after you've invaded and wiped out their entire civilization.

  • A federation member can no longer storm out of the federation during a leadership challenge, invoking an obscure clause that technically makes them president for life despite no longer being a member or able to pass any resolutions.

  • The starting leader of a democracy or oligarchy will no longer vanish forever, when the galaxy needed him most, after his term is over. He'll instead become a governor.

  • Every truce tooltip will now tell you when the truce ends, because why else would you be looking at a truce tooltip?

  • Fixed an error message from killing too many Tiyanki at once, because you should be allowed to massacre as many space whales as you want without getting a bunch of shit from VIR about it.

  • You'll no longer get automatically called into a war because you didn't hear your phone ringing.

  • Fixed the ship name for the Shard Dragon being $NAME_Grand_Dragon$. His short-lived rap career was met with critical derision and he'd rather not talk about it any more.

  • Conquered pre-FTL pops should no longer want to return to monke

  • You can no longer build another megastructure in a system where you already have a mega shipyard. Which is kinda crazy, if you think about it. Like, this is outer space we're talking about. How big is that shipyard?

  • The Great Khan should no longer laugh so defiantly in the face of death that he comes back to life twice the first time you kill him.

  • lol dick

Official notes:

These take a very long time to make. If you got a good laugh and want to support my work, you can buy me a coffee:

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