The Elder Scrolls

An open letter to the Companions

TheElderScrolls1 - An open letter to the Companions
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Fuck all of you. You shitheads are the most infuriating and pathetic (minus the blades) faction to ever fucking exist. For fuck's sake, I'd rather hang out with a clinically insane jester than talk to any of you. I know that you fuckers have most of the fanbase swooning over you guys, and I don't fucking know why, but you better sleep with one eye open because this one needs some souls for the ebony blade.

Vilkas you arrogant prick. "i'Ve nEvER eVEn hEaRD oF tHiS oUtSidER" to the GOD DAMN LISTENER. For fucks sake, even the fucking guards know what's up with me, and those are the same guards who walk straight up to a dragon with their damn fists. Fuck you and your weird bob hair, I hope someone yanks on it and saws you in half. STOP. GIVING ME. YOUR FUCKING JOBS. JESUS, AT LEAST FUCKING PRETEND THAT THE JOBS ARE MINE SO YOU DONT SEEM LIKE A LAZY PRICK. YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS MERUNE'S RAZOR. ONE PRICK FROM THIS LITTLE FUCKER AND YOU'RE DEAD. THAT'S RIGHT BITCH, I'VE ALSO GOT ALL THE FUCKING DAEDRA UP MY ALLEY. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT BEFORE I GET SERANA TO YEET YOU INTO COLDHARBOUR.

Alea you condescending bitch, I have no fucking idea why you're everyone's waifu material. Your face looks like a sabercat mauled it in and you decided to fill the indentations with sewage. STOP MAKING ME GET YOU BEAR PELTS. JESUS. I never wanted to be Harbinger of your stupid little superhero club, but holy fuck you could at least talk stop talking to me with that fucking tone. Jesus Christ even Iona is more tolerable than you, at least she doesn't have a horrendous fashion taste and wears armor that actually fucking protects her. Also, fuck you for making me sell my soul to Hircine. I know my soul technically goes back to papa Akatosh, but fuck you anyway. I swear, you and Vilkas have legitimately made me consider joining the fucking Silver Hand, but you tricked me into becoming a werewolf so GOOD FUCKING JOB.

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Farkas you fucking dumbass, you probably can't count the number of fingers on your fucking hands. Although I will admit that you're less hatable than your brother and that redheaded bitch, I still wonder how the hell you're still alive. I know brute strength can compensate for a lack of everything else, but one day you're going to get yourself killed by a nimble child. Thanks for giving me an excuse to beat the living shit out of Nazeem though.

Listen shitheads, talk about honor all you fucking want, but you fuckers are nothing but glorified mercenaries. I had a more welcoming experience with the Dark Brotherhood of all places. I don't know what the fuck you guys did, but an immortal blood-sucking child and insane jester make better family members than any of you guys. At least the Dark Brotherhood PAYS WELL. You fuckers get me to trek across half of Skyrim to present me with a measly 200 gold. Holy fuck, I might as well tell the Dawnguard of your fucking furry fetishes and you bet your ass that I'll be kicking down your door with my girl Sorine and blowing your shit up with crossbows. You three are such assholes that its rubbing off on the other members. Njdia is a fucking bitch, Tovar is a drunk ass twig who can't stand straight, and Athis is also a stuck up arrogant asshole. In conclusion, fuck all of you, fuck your little bitch honor fuck your furry club, AND FUCK KODLAK. Jesus, I wouldn't hate the fucking man if you three didnt scream "fOr kODlaK" every 5 seconds when we were cleaning the man's fucking soul. Don't be surprised when Tilma, the oldest fucking person in this club, is the last one standing.

(Ria's kinda cute though ngl)

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