The Elder Scrolls

I hate half the characters in this game (Rant)

TheElderScrolls11 - I hate half the characters in this game (Rant)

After a couple of months/years playing this game modded, I decided to revisit the vanilla version. A trip down memory lane, as I haven't played it unmodded since I had it for the 360. Holy shit. I hate not being able to kill the fucking children. Fuck it. I'm telling you all my most hated characters, whether you care or not, and they're not even in any particular order.

  1. Delphine

Fuck Delphine. Treating me like shit like your life and the fate of Skyrim doesn't depend on my decisions. Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch. Telling me I can only leave when you want? Fuck off.

2) Ulfric

This motherfucker is so fucking braindead I could piss in a jar and it'd be able to negotiate better, the cabbage-eyed cunt.

3) Tullius

Crybaby. Never happy with anything. I give you Riften and compensation, and yet you still want to act like I've just shit on your grandma's grave and killed your entire family. Miserable bastard.

4) Meridia

Take that beacon and cram it up your arse.

5) Nazeem

I get to the Cloud District more often than you, you pathetic retard. Your fucking farm doesn't make as much in a fucking decade as I do in a few hours. I'm the fucking thane, the Dragonborn, and a Vampire Lord, and yet you still talk to me like I'm a slug? Then you have the audacity to be surprised when I cut you in half? Shut up.

6) Baalgruf's son (Nelfir????)

'Another wanderer, here to lick my father's boots' he says, like his father is more important than me. Next time, I'm going to kill your fucking dad just to spite you, you snobby little cunt.

7) Braith

You should be fucking scared of me. I could kill you and everyone you've ever loved if I so pleased. Just you wait until I've got my mods back. Then we'll see whether you should be afraid of me because I'm your elder, or because I can shout you 1000 years into the future so you can watch yourself turn into dust like the annoying cunt you are.

8) Elenwen

fuck off

9) Astrid

This bitch kidnapped me, the most powerful vampire in Skyrim, a fucking multi-time war hero, and the slayer of Alduin, and then tried to intimidate me because she's the leader of some half-dead, mentally retarded killer cult? I think the fuck not. Watch, as I kill you and then cram your own knife down the throats of your family, you overconfident, sour-faced, functionally braindead bitch.

10) that idiot that threatens you when you walk into riften for the first time

need i say more

11) mercer? miller? the cunt that steals the eyes

cutn cunt cunt cunt, overconfident cunt

12) lydia

i get that you're the first companion i'm supposed to get, but do you have to stand in the way of every doorway you stupid bitch. at least i get free steel armour for killing your retarded ass

13) farengar secret-cunt

preachy wizard cunt trying to perform experiments on odahviing like i would let him go anywhere near my boy odahviing

14) ideal masters

don't know who these guys are, but they trapped durnehviir so i don't like them

15) heimskr

be quiet please you're driving me fucking mental just shut the fuck up for once in your fukcing life and stop talking about talos its a miracle the thalmor have left you alive

16) that one draugr deathlord in labyrinthian

i swear if you disarm me one more time i will delete this fucking game

17) that fucking dog in riverwood that wont stop fucking barking

just stop fucking barking please

18) dirge

you live in a fucking sewer you poor bastard, dont ever threaten me with your steel weapon and leather armour or i swear to god i will kill you and the entire thieves guild

19) esbern

trying to get me to kill paarthurnax then having the audacity to be essential like pelase just fucking die

20) legate rick or whatever the fuck

hur dur im legate rick im a shit version of galmar stone-cunt and my only role is to fucking die


21) that dark-elf racist in winterhold that gets you to fist fight him only for you to pull out an ebony warhammer and kill him in the middle of the street

yeah just fuck off please

22) Idolaf Battle-Born

Notice how I've gone back to being grammatically correct? Shit's about to get real.

Everytime I walk into Whiterun this pathetic bitch is talking to Adrianne Avenicci like anyone cares about what he has to say, wearing his studded Imperial armour as if that's supposed to mean something to anyone. This man is the sole reason I choose Stormcloaks 90% of the time. It brings me so much joy knowing that every mission I do to progress the Civil War questline (despite my deep, deep hatred for Ulfric Fannyface) I massacre his friends and family, even after the man himself is already dead. Ask me Gray-Mane or Battle-Born, then shit on me for giving my opinion like your thoughts and actions impact anything in this world except for my growing hatred towards you and your cause. Even at Level 1, you are just a stain on my boot. I survived Alduin. I survived a bear. I survived your brothers-in-arms. All by level 1. The fact that you think you are anything to me is a concept so inane I can't even begin to consider it. I spit on you and your leader, the miserable old man. I hope that one day, once I die, I get to meet you in Sovngarde, so I can beat your face in until the end of time, or until you're fucking dead for a second time. I will kill you so hard you die twice. You won't even have time to react before I'm caving your stupid, preset face in with The Mace of Molag-Bal. Then, through sheer will, I will ressurect myself and hunt down the last of your bloodline just so nobody ever has to remember the name 'Idolaf Battle-Born'. I will rip Tamriel, and the entire world if needs must, apart just so that I may erase you from history. Then, I will rest easy, knowing that your past is dust and your future is ashes.

23) The Companions

Another long one. Oh boy.

I use you for Lycanthropy. That is it. Your ridiculous notion of honour and valour is so twisted that it drives me up the fucking wall. It drives me so far up the fucking wall you'd think I was trying to migrate to the US. Sure, I helped you commit genocide against the Silver Hand. But that wasn't because I care for you, or your ridiculous code. No. It was so that I could get some fucking perks to make the only thing that comes as a result of your quests fucking worthwhile. I don't care about Wuuthrad, it's just more crap for me to put in a chest in one of my many homes and forget about. I hate Skjor, Kodlak, Aela, Farkas, and anyone else foolish enough to embarass themselves with the title 'Shield-Brother' or 'Shield-Sister'. Skjor seems to function at the mental age of a toddler, whilst also managing to spout the most amount of bullshit I have ever heard. Being a werewolf is not a fucking gift. If you want evidence of that, look at fucking Sinding, the poor bastard. Then tell me if this is some 'great gift' that has been bestowed upon you, or you're so fucking thick you can't understand that you're cursed. Aela has the audacity to say 'No thanks to you' after it took her and two other companions to complete a task I could have done myself in one third of the time, if I hadn't only just seen what was going on. Next time, I'll summon a fucking dragon and see how well you do against that. Then we'll see what happens when I don't help, you bint.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. I apologise if this doesn't make a lot of sense, but I needed to vent. It also doesn't help that for some reason the Dragonborn doesn't get to be a dick back during any dialogue in the entire fucking game.

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