The Elder Scrolls

Jokes, Part 2 (or what a TES nerd does with his quarantine)

TheElderScrolls8 - Jokes, Part 2 (or what a TES nerd does with his quarantine)

These were inspired by the book "Jokes" from Daggerfall. It's like that book except not good.


What do you call an orc sewage drain?

A cemetery.

What do you call a bunch of emo and edgy aldmer?

A Velothi Exodus.

A large Nord man walks into the bar. After hitting it with some women, he finds a lovely Bosmer to keep him company for the night. Why does he choose a Bosmer?

Because they're the horniest.

A different man walks into a bar and finds a lovely khajiiti woman to be his company for the evening. Why?

Because cats like milk.

A Nord, a Khajiit, and an Orc compete to see who can survive a chilly winter swim in Skyrim. Two drown and one lives. Which one lives?

The Nord freezes because he's too dumb to notice being cold.

The Khajiit dives for something shiny and drowns.

The Orc makes it across before he freezes because shit floats.

What do you call a Redguard?

A Guard in Red.

What do you call an Argonian?

I wouldn't know, I don't have names for my shoes.


A Nord, Imperial, and an Orc enter a bar. They get into an argument over which of them is the most interesting. The Imperial chimes in and says: "well what we should really be doing is deciding which of us is the least interesting first?" Who is the least interesting?

It was actually the Breton, but everyone forgot he was there.

What do you call a Nord with intelligence?

A Colovian.

What do you call orc retirement?

When your son kills you so he can fuck his sister.

How many Imperials does it take to crown an Emperor?

Nobody knows. None of the Emperors live long enough to finish counting.

An Altmer goes to a House of Dibella for a nice massage. Why was he angry with the results?

He wanted to be straightened out, not relaxed.

A Sload, a Nord, and a Redguard walk into a bar. Only two walk out. Why?

Because Sloads don't walk.

A Khajiit walks into a bar. He says "This one will have……..sujamma" Bartender asks "Why the pause?" Khajiit says "Am Khajiit"

What did the Dwemer say to the animunculi?


I'm not sorry. Jokes, Part 3 goes in the comments.

Edit: someone gave me that one about the Emperors, apparently it's an actual joke from the Jester Festival in ESO.

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