The Elder Scrolls

Meme Deck: Dude, where’s my Silt Strider? Or: A Singleton Elixir Mixer to Re-meme-ber!

TheElderScrolls4 - Meme Deck: Dude, where's my Silt Strider? Or: A Singleton Elixir Mixer to Re-meme-ber!

{{J'zargo}} groggily strirred from the puddle of drool that had pooled beneath him on the floor of the abandoned shack, his fur matted with various residues from the previous nights revelry. From across the chaos-strewn shack, {{Luzrah Gro-Shar}} pulled herself out from under a pile of clattering half-drunk bottles of elixir.

'La, da-da de-d'ow my head!' The orc bard exclaimed as she cradled her skull in hopes to contain her throbbing pulses.

'I'm sure I don't have any idea what happened last night!' {{Cyriel}} added staggering to her feet, her tousled hair stiffened into a wild shape by an unknown substance.

'Likewise, this one cannot remember a thing!' Said J'zargo. From the darkness responded a pair of laughing voices that seemed to {{move in shadows}} with {{bewildering speed}}.

'Such a shame, it was certainly a {{night to remember!}} Said one of the voices from up above them. As the trio of disoriented adventurers peered up into rafters of the abandoned shack, {{Ungolim the Listener}} and {{Astrid}} looked back on them with conniving smiles, prepared for their {{assassins ritual}} with drawn daggers.

'Ugh!' They all groaned in unison.

'Why is no one ever happy to see us?' Said Astrid. Ungolim shook his head.

'All we want is for them to feel the night mother's love!'

'Perhaps they *do* remember why the void awaits them!'

'I blame it on the A-a-A-a-A-{{alchemy}}!' They both laughed. The trio looked among themselves nervously.

Oh, don't worry, you'd already be dead if we wanted you that way, and for all you did last night you'd certainly deserve it! But lucky for you, you're the only ones that know what happened to {{Shadowmere}}, so if you can find him, we just might let you live! Otherwise, you'll just be another {{completed contract}} on a {{marked man}}.'

'Hmmm it sounds like you'd be in just as much trouble as we are if the steed is not returned, yes? Perhaps if you can aid J'zargo' s memory, we can be of more assistance?' J'zargo snuck a smirk as the pair of {{Brotherhood assassins}} briefly turned to each other to trade hissed whispers.

'Alright Khajiit, so it's {{blackmail}} then?'

'Just returning the favor.'

Well, it just so happens we had a {{Black hand messenger}} following you after you three commendeered that {{silt strider}} outside Seyda-neen. Naturally, he couldn't keep up, but a {{blood pact messenger}} in Balmora reported seeing you crashing the strider into the city wall before making a {{mad dash}} into the main quarter.'

'Ah yes, this one recalls now: this one is a student at {{the College of Winterhold}} and wanted to take a break from studies with friends. There was a {{grand ball}} hosted by house Hlaalu with wildest partying royals there: '{{Thadon, Duke of Mania}}, {{Queen Barenziah}}, and {{Ayrenn, Dominion Queen}} But of course, khajiit and friends had no invitation! No matter, it was nothing a few {{embassy disguises}} couldnt fix. But why can't this one remember anything else?'

'I think I know why, look:' Luzrah held up a nearly empty bottle of {{Elixir of Conflict}}'

'That was supposed to be just a sujamma! I knew we shouldn't have trusted that {{corner club gambler}}!' Cyriel decried.

'She said she just won it off a {{shivering apothecary}}, so I thought it was good!' Luzrah retorted.

'J'zargo told you guys we should've just went to a {{Skooma racketeer}}!

'Then that would also explain the reports of you brandishing a mudcrab?'said Ungolim arching an eyebrow.

'Ah, now I remember! That wasn't just any mudcrab, that was a talking {{mudcrab merchant}}! He's actually the heir to {the ruby throne}} but was cursed into the form of a mudcrab by {{Barbas}} the talking dog!' Cyriel's enthusiasm waned as she heard each word escape her lips.

'So…just so you know: your story *already* has a talking mudcrab *and* a talking dog?'

'I know it sounds crazy, but it must have been some kind of {{manic mutation}} or something!'

'Mm-hm, mm-hm, and tell me: was this before or after you took the elixir?' Said Ungolim with a skeptical side eye.

'Well, I mean, I know how it looks, but if I'm making it up, then explain where I got this {{snake-tooth necklace}}?' Cyriel held up the the sticky necklace she peeled off her chest

'You mean the same snake-tooth necklace that was also reported stolen by none other than the local {{thieves guild fence}}? *That* snake-tooth necklace?' Astrid crossed her arms as as she stared Cyriel down.

'Well, er…I mean, it's a common design, right? No, wait! Now I remember! I got it from the guild triplets!'

'The who?'

'Scales-move-in-shadows, fears-no-death, and learns-the-spell, they're a {{thieves guild recruit}}, {{fighters guild recruit}}, and {{mages guild recruit}} respectively, all from the same clutch. We were supposed to meet up with them before the ball. I always suspected scales had a thing for me, so I should have noticed how he said he 'got it' for me and how it 'looked good' with my disguise. Clearly, he lifted it off the fence to try and impress me. Cute, but clumsy's not really my type.'

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'Well this does seem to corroborate multiple accounts from partygoers of a retinue of party crashers with a mudcrab that caused quite a… disturbance.' Ungolim began reading from a scroll. 'An…obnoxiously boisterous orc apparently challenged the {{star-sung bard}} that was hired for the event to a duel of lutes. An…overconfidently sarcastic' Khajiit in a Thalmor robe that keept telling people, quote: this one totally believes in Elven supremacy, endquote, then procceeded to summon a {{lightning bolt}} to magically imbue the bards' lutes. The two bards then alledegly jammed out some sick hair-thrashing metal licks for the next hour or so. Ya know, like *NEEDLY-NEEDLY-NEEDLY-NEEOW!!*'

'Was that really necessary?' Astrid shook her head.

'I thought so. Needless to say, your little {{mage's trick}} came to head when a {{giant bat}} flew into one of the bolts arcing into the sky and landed on the crowd with a {{crushing blow}}.'

'But, no-one was hurt, just smashed the mudcrab.' J'zargo shrugged.

'That you say was the king.'

'Yeah, but you say is just mudcrab. Either way, still no king, yes?' J'zargo leaned back and folded his arms with an arched eyebrow.

'I suppose…but then what happened after That?'

'This one's ex, a {{guildsworn revitalizer}} shows up, so naturally things get a little awkward.'

'Ugh, I hate her laugh! It's so annoying! I don't know what you ever saw in her!' Luzrah exclaimed. They all looked at her for a moment, saying both nothing and everything at the same time.

'Annnnyway, we decide to leave, and this one couldn't remember where we parked Silt strider, so…that's where we must have gotten horse!'

'Now we're getting somewhere! Wait so what about after the crab?'

'What *about* after the crab?

'Witnesses recalled…a thief, a Khajiit, and a mage telling everyone to get butt-naked, stealing all their stuff and then {{Ice storm}}ing the shit out of the whole party several times before making their escape?'


'Why would there be a Khajiit and a mage, and not a Khajiit Mage?'


'It would appear then, we weren't the only ones that crashed that party.'

'Ok…that might explain the conflicting accounts, but you *were* the ones who stole shadowmere, so we still need to figure out where you went after that.' Astrid said pointing a burrowing finger at Luzrah.

'Well, not all of us could have ridden at once, so we must have split off at some point.'

'Oh…oh no, I'd hate to admit it but, I think…I snuck off with Scales! This must be that {{leafwater blessing}} he always talking about.' Cyriel said gesturing to the mysterious substance that glued her hair. 'That perv, but then that would mean that you two…'

'Please, J'zargo comes out on top! This one does not recall orsimer being into that!'

'Don't worry, orcs like their bites from each other, not fleas.'

'Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that, our listeners, didn't need to hear too much to know what you two were up to last night! I know I certainly soiled my linen!' Ungolim could barely contain his gleeful titter. Luzrah rolled her eyes as she caught herself scratching at some fresh fleabites, and tried not to make eye contact with J'zargo as he licked his fur with a curled lip from the orc's pungent scent lingering on his sensitive toungue.

'As much as I enjoy watching you all writhe in your own self-loathing, we really need to get to the bottom of this: now, after your respective debaucheries, which one of you had the horse?'

This one…vaguely remembers something about a {{dune smuggler}} maybe? Said he needed to keep moving to unload his {{cauldron keeper}}'s rare potions? So that horse could be anywhere by now.'

'*Sigh* I figured you all would outlive your usefulness at some point, just not so soon. So, unless you have any last wor-'

'TAAAAAAAZZZZZZ!!!' The entire half of the shack tore open as {{Tazkad the partymaster}} charged through with his frothing durzog at his side. Astrid and Ungolium go flying from the rafters and cascade into the rubble with a horrific tumble.

'Taz?! How did you find us?'

'TAZ SMELL PARTY!!! YEEAHH!!' Tazkad eagerly sniffed the empty elixir bottles, but upon realizing they were already empty threw them down with renewed vigor. 'TAZ FIND NEW PARTY!!! WAUUUGH!!' And disappeared just as quickly as he arrived.

As the trio stood there in stunned silence, a robed figure stumbled out of the settling dust, carrying an exquisite chest under his arm.

'Woah, yeah hey that was great! Hail Sithis, it's the voice of the night mother, {{Speaker Terenus}} comin' at ya! woooo!'

Uhh, werent those your own guys? Luzrah said gesturing to the motionless assassins' twisted bodies.

'Oh they'll be fine. Yeah, listen hey so we met up last night, you guyyyys had this elixir of wohehheh! You knowwww! So, so when you weren't there this morning I go Taz, Ta-z we gotta find these guys! They left this fat, {{smuggler's haul}} of a stash, and we can't get it open cuz we don't have the keyyyy!'

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'Uhhh, I don't even think that's ours actually…'

'But…uh…I do have a {{lockpick}}.' Cyriel interjected with a shrug. Terenus eagerly snatched the lockpick from Cyriel and started figeting away at the chest's lock.

'Aww you are the besssst! See, I knew you guys would come through!' I'm sure it's filled with a-{{NEST OF VIPERS!!!}} Auuughh!! The deadly noodles lunged from the chest and bit Terenus all over his face with great frequency and enthusiasim. J'zargo, Cyriel, and Luzrah just looked at each other for a moment before casually strolling out through the shacks' sundered wall.

'I can't believe we managed to get back to the college in one peice!' Luzrah had tried not to make it obvious she wasn't not trying to not talk to J'zargo by doing that thing where you pretend you're talking to everyone at once.

'Hey, this one's roommate is a {{studious greybeard}}, a total straightedge! He should remember everything! Maybe he can hel-' As they open the door, they find J'zargo's roommate furiously fighting off a giant spider with a ward from {{mentors ring}}. The {{tower alchemist}} had trapped himself upstairs with some {{makeshift defences}} and was chucking bottles down the stairwell along with shrill screams.

'What? Why is there a giant spider in here?!'

'Oh I dunno, why *is* there a giant spider in here, Mr. It-followed-me-home?'

'Please excuse Khajiit. Clearly, it was a crazy night.'

'Oh, you're night has been crazy? Was it: fight-a-giant-poisonous-spider-all-night-instead-of-studying-for-your-dragon-shout-finals crazy? Because I'm pretty sure that's freakin' crazy! Especially since it's still happening right now, so ya know…anytime!'

With a martial shout, J'zargo squished the spider by bringing a deft {{monk's strike}} down onto its screeching head. The dead spider collapsed onto his roommate with oozing guts that dripped profusely all over the bearded nord.

'Ugh, I'm too angry to be angry at you right now.'

'This one is relived. So um heyy, did you happen to see a horse?'

'You mean the new king?'

'The mudcrab was here?'

'What? What Mudcrab?

'Wait, there's *another* new king?'

'I know, right? That's like the fifth sucession in as many days. But apparently this new horse-king has already masterfully negotiated the export tarrifs on oats and grains, and I think it just might be enough save the Empire!' The greybeard exaimed as he wrung spider juice out from his beard.

'Well I guess we're off the hook then since it seems that, in a way, we're tangentially responsible for helping restore a semblance of balance and order to the Empire of Cyrodiil; that and everyone who cared otherwise seems to be dead! A happy ending for all!' Cyriel hugged them both, forgetting she was still covered in Scales' leafwater blessing.

'Yes, As close to a happy ending as this one can get in Tamriel!' J'zargo pretended he didnt catch Luzrah looking away just as he looked at her, and Luzrah pretended she didn't see him flash a wink from beneath his mages hood.

'Oh, I'm not interrupting anying am I?' A timid Argonian interjected from behind a shadowy corner.

'Scales! Not at all! Thanks again for the necklace, no hard feelings about last night, right?' Cyriel teased his lapel as she ran her fingers across her gifted necklace.

'R-really? I-I was about to ask…'

'I know I give you a hard time, but we really work well together don't we?'

'Oh, well…I-Iguess I'll cut your purse, *and* steal your heart!'

'You certainly did! I had no idea that you had such a…copious supply of affection!'

'Oh…that- that's^not^from^just^one^of^us'


TeH n'D

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