ESL is a highly competitive game with people scrambling to make the Legends rank as quickly as possible each month and then just testing out new ideas for decks the rest of the month. It’s also one of the most addictive games ever. We play it even when we have nothing to gain after achieving Legends rank but my god, something is killing it. Humans. Humans are killing it. Talentless, witless turds who would have been weeded out of the evolutionary process in the good old days (they’ll probably be weeded out anyway since you can’t get your hand pregnant).
Being a dork on ESL isn’t only about being roper, there are some basic rules for a proper fight that if you can’t stick to you can do us all a favour and go back to playing with yourself (see the biological observation above) and let the real men get back to killing each other. With this polemic out of the way let’s get to the meat of it. Here is your ESL Bible of Fine Etiquette:
1: Hurry the &$*@ up!
Do not take longer than 10 seconds to play your turn.
Sometimes you just need longer because a situation is legitimately complex. Fine, but if you feel like it’s complex every single turn then I’m afraid you’re probably just an idiot.
I don’t know exactly how long a round is and I don’t care, it’s too long. Most of the community appears to agree that it’s too long. Of course those voicing their opinions on the subject are the competitive players, not the ropers. As an entirely subjective opinion, based on my long experience, I would say in the game itself it probably breaks down as:
20% excellent players, 20% good players, 20% ropers and 40% just bad players.
2: Do not use the ‘nice move’ emote … ever
Players, even the better ones, constantly showcase their inherent insecurities by using the ‘nice move’ emote when they can see that they happen to have a perfect counter lined up for their opponents play. It’s glaringly obvious if you do that, that you’re trying to make yourself feel superior because of the entirely random series of events which led you to holding the right counter move. Grow up. You’re saying ‘wow you did an amazing thing so I must be even more amazing for knocking it down’. . . you’re not, you’re just an idiot.
3: Never say ‘thank you’ to a player for a card that they played
Good for you, you happened to draw Miraak and now you’ve got my Night Talon Lord. It’s a game mechanic; you didn’t just storm Normandy, no one is amazed, and I’m going to use a hard removal on him the next turn anyway. It just makes you look like a petulant spider monkey who stole another sleeping spider monkeys’ house keys and then decided to reward his achievement by rubbing dirt in his own dumb face.
I have watched someone thank me for playing Galeron and then they silenced him on their turn. . .
4: Concede like a grown-up
If you know you’re beaten then quickly concede the match and move on to the next one. Rage quitting like a petulant child by disconnecting from the game is, quite frankly, pathetic. And all the other person has to do it minimise their window and do something else while the timer runs out. Zero class, seriously.
5: Don’t play an Altar of Despair deck
The slowest players in the game are always those using an Altar of Despair deck. It takes them forever to think of what to do and even if they happen to have learned their cards (I think there’s one guy …. maybe) the constant summoning takes forever to play out anyway. No one wants to play with you. It’s not because you’re good, it’s because you’re annoying. You’re like Mini Me if all he did was drool slowly everywhere. Just go away.
6: Look at your cards on your own damn turn
It becomes very apparent after playing with someone for 3 rounds that they’re off trying to impregnate their hand during your turn. This means that they only start to look at their hand on their turn. If they’re already somewhat dense to begin with (60% bad + ropers) this ends with them taking almost their entire turn to play few cards. Plan your next move on your opponent’s turn. Whatever they play is unlikely to change your entire strategy so get a move on.
7: Rope the ropers
Just like Big Stan taught us, it’s ok to rope the ropers. Bethesda does nothing to punish these people and makes it impossible to even report them so each of you needs to take matters into their own hands. I keep a personal list, if someone has repeatedly roped me I will automatically rope them until the end of time. Every time I see their name, it’s roping time. It’s extremely satisfying. Even when they realise I'm paying them back and start to play properly I don’t stop. We can hope that they eventually get bored of the game and bugger off.
Finally – Tell Bethesda to establish a speed ladder which players can opt into. 10 second rounds with the same prizes or better than the standard ladder. That way if people want to play at the kiddies table they can, if they want to play hard they can. And if Bethesda thinks there wouldn't be enough players then add expert lvl bots. I would far rather play against an expert bot than a moron human.
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