Warframe

Lead-up to the New War: In a Nutshell Edition (Part 1: Pre-Natah)

Warframe9 - Lead-up to the New War: In a Nutshell Edition (Part 1: Pre-Natah)
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VOR'S PRIZE

Lotus: Wake up space children.

Tenno: What do you mean, space children? We're super soldiers wearing badass magic power armor suits!

suddenly ascaris

Vor: My magic power armor suit now.

Tenno: OH SHIT OH FUCK WHAT DO I DO MOM

Lotus: First of all, find your ship and get the heck out of here.

Ordis: Who the fu-Operator! You're back! Let's get the hell out of here!

Tenno: OKAY WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW

Lotus: Okay, save this Corpus trader.

Darvo: Hello, I'm the Corpus trader who's actually ex-Corpus but isn't supposed to be at this point in time because the lore of this game is fucked.

Tenno: HOW DO I GET THIS ASCARIS OFF ME

Darvo: Build this thing and use it.

noises of said thing being used

Tenno: Ah, what a reli-OH SHIT OH FUCK IT BURROWED INSIDE ME

Lotus: Fine, go kill Vor to get rid of it for good.

Vor: Foolish Tenno, did you realize your Lotus has sent you to-

Tenno: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Vor: Oh no I died

Lotus: Good work Tenno. Now keep the Grineer and Corpus from shitting all over the system pretty please.

Tenno:

Tenno: What the fuck do I do now? Man this game is boring

ONCE AWAKE

Lotus: Tenno, there's rumors of some bioweapon on this Grineer asteroid base. Go check it out.

Tenno: Hey Grineer, what's going on in this-

Grineer: OH SHIT OH FUCK THE BIOWEAPON ESCAPED AND NOW THERE'S SPACE ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE

Infestation: Hey, I'm back. Did you miss me?

Lotus: Okay, here's a bomb that will kill all the Infested on the base.

boom

Infestation: Oh no we died except we somehow managed to spread all over the goddamn system over the course of about an hour so we didn't

Lotus: Oops.

THE STALKER

Stalker: tenno…

Tenno: Who the fuck are you?

Stalker: there is no salvation for your crimes…

Tenno: What crimes?

Stalker: the sentence is death!

Tenno: What.

Stalker: i'm actually a former orokin soldier who looks like a warframe for some reason and goes after you for mulching the orokin higher ups. you wanna know that, fuck you, scan me. now, on the topic of killing you.

swoosh

Tenno: Oh no I died.

Stalker: it is done. the tenno is no more.

poof

sounds of revive being used

Tenno: Man, what an asshole.

THE GRADIVUS DILEMMA

Alad V: Hello, I'm a Corpus asshole who stole some dormant Warframes off Grineer territory.

Sargas Ruk: Hello, I'm a Grineer asshole and give those fucking Warframes back.

Alad V: No.

Sargas Ruk: Fine, we'll kill you. Tenno, help us kill the Corpus assholes.

Alad V: Tenno, help us kill the Grineer assholes.

some time later

Alad V: Oh shit more Tenno are helping the Grineer and the Corpus bigwigs just cut funding, I'm out

Lotus: Hello I managed to airlift the dormant Warframes off Phobos while the Corpus weren't watching, thanks for the distraction war.

Sargas Ruk: We conquered Mars thanks to you Tenno! We also butchered everyone living on the planet to make way for Grineer settlements.

Baro Ki'Teer: What the fuck some Grineer assholes killed my mom

THE HUNT FOR ALAD V

Frohd Bek: Hello, I'm another Corpus asshole but I also hate Alad V so help me plox

Read:  New or Returning Player? Welcome (Back) to WARFRAME!

Tenno: what u want

Frohd Bek: I went to hunt down Alad V because he fucked up my face owes shittons of money to the Corpus bigwigs but he sent ships full of Infested at mine. Get rid of the Infested plox

Tenno: kk

some time later

Tenno: Oh look we found Salad, he's on Jupiter

Valkyr: Guys halp Salad tore my skin off and used it to create Zanuka

Alad V: Go my creation, destroy the Tenno!

Tenno: no, we're going to kill you salad

Alad V: oh no I died

Valkyr: thanks guys and AAAAAAAAAAA

STOLEN DREAMS

Lotus: Hey Tenno, there's this thing called an Arcane Machine that the Grineer are interested in and they unearthed all the Arcane Codices needed to unlock it except some bitch called Maroo stole the last one, capture her

Tenno: kk

one capture mission later

Maroo: Fine, I'll help you get all the Codices if I get treasure.

a few spy missions later

Tenno: Alright, let's unlock the Arcane Machine.

Arcane Machine: blah blah blah weird mayan bullshit

Maroo: Well this quest was completely fucking pointless

Загрузка...

PATIENT ZERO AND THE MUTALIST EVENTS

Alad V: Hello, I'm an Infested asshole now.

Tenno: Didn't we kill you?

Alad V: I got better. Also I made new super-advanced infested that can infest robots.

Tenno: y tho

Alad V: Because profit. Now go my creations, destroy the Tenno!

Tenno: No, we're going to kill you.

Alad V: oh no I died

TIES THAT BIND

Darvo: It's me again. This is the point where I actually defect from the Corpus.

Frohd Bek: what the fuck where are you going son

Darvo: The Corpus suck, I'm leaving to scam people my own way!

Frohd Bek: But I raised you to rise to a Board position!

Tenno: wtf is the board

Darvo: The biggest of Corpus bigwigs. Now Dad, byeeeeeeee

EYES OF BLIGHT AND THE ARCHWING

Tenno: Man, it sure is nice here on this relay.

Vay Hek: TENNO!

Tenno: Who the fuck was that?

Vay Hek: IT'S ME, VAY HEK. I'M A GRINEER ASSHOLE THAT YOU'VE MET BEFORE BUT ONLY IN PLOT-IRRELEVANT EVENTS WHICH IS WHY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE SEEN ME IN THIS POST.

Tenno: Well what the hell do you want

Vay Hek: I'M GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR STUPID RELAYS WITH MY FOMORIANS!

Lotus: No you're not. Tenno, let's build Archwings so we can blow up his Fomorians!

Tenno: Yay!

one quest later

Tenno: What the fuck, the Archwings suck balls. Fuck it, let's see if Vay Hek will actually blow up the relays.

boom

Tenno: Oh.

THE NEW STRANGE

Simaris: Hello, Tenno. I've just lost my sentinels, find them pretty please

Tenno: kk

Lotus: Wait, Simaris found the weird mayan bullshit by himself. What the hell is up with that?

Simaris: You want to know, Tenno? S Y N T H E S I S E

some synthesis later

Simaris: Okay, it's this rogue Warframe that's going around spouting weird Mayan bullshit.

Tenno: Oh, okay.

Simaris: Oh, look at this poor Cephalon.

Ordis: Me?

Simaris: Yes. How about I repair you and make you a steward of my Sanctuary?

Ordis: Yay!

some questing later

Simaris: Now Tenno, destroy the rogue Warframe!

Read:  New or Returning Player? Welcome (Back) to WARFRAME!

Ordis: No, synthesise it!

Simaris: Ordis what the fuck. You suck, I hate you now, fuck the steward business

Ordis: *verbal equivalent of a raspberry being blown*

Tenno: Ooh, this new Warframe looks cool. Chroma, is it? Now how do I get the parts…

some time later

Tenno: Fuck it, I'll wait for the prime release.

TUBEMEN OF REGOR

Alad V: Hey Tenno, it's me again, help plox

Tenno: Didn't we kill you?

Alad V: I got better. Again. Anyways, I don't want to be an Infested asshole anymore, and this Grineer asshole called Tyl Regor might have a cure for that, go get it for me pls

Tyl Regor: Who are you calling an asshole?

Nef Anyo: Tenno, wait!

Tenno: Who the fuck are you?

Nef Anyo: I'm yet another Corpus asshole that was only in an event some time ago that everybody detested, and it wasn't plot relevant anyways so this is the first time you're seeing me here. Anyways, Alad is an asshole, right? Go and wreck Tyl Regor's shit, and we can fuck over two assholes in one go! You'll get paid too.

Tenno: Nah, you're an even bigger asshole than Alad. We're helping him.

Alad V: Thanks Tenno, now I'm going to disappear into irrelevance again.

Tyl Regor: MY TOOBMEN

and a bonus:

SANDS OF INAROS

Baro Ki'Teer: Tenno!

Tenno: Oh boy, it's the prissy douche that sells expensive crap in the Relays.

Baro Ki'Teer: Wanna go to Mars to dig up some treasure from a tomb? Also, don't worry about cultural preservation or shit like that, the Martians were primitive dumbasses anyways.

Tenno: kk

some questing later

Baro Ki'Teer: What the fuck, Warframe bits? What the hell is up with-oh no…

Tenno: What.

Baro Ki'Teer: I remember everything…Inaros the guardian…who saved us from the Infested…but didn't save my mom from the Grineer…

Tenno: Oops. That last one might have been my fault.

Baro Ki'Teer: …and now I'm back in touch with my cultural roots! Finally, a quest that is heartwarming, isn't pointless, and doesn't involve the most idiotic villains to grace the face of gaming!

Tenno: Prissy as usual.

Source: Original link


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