Old Gods! It seems like nobody cares enough about our big tentacle-y friends, but why? These beautiful creatures are masterful tacticians, glorious conquerors, and will destroy anyone who stands in our way.
That’s why I’m here today to propose to you a fantastic idea: let’s enlist the Old Gods into our ranks as the next playable allied race.
LORE BEHIND THE OLD GODS
The Old Gods were sent down by their void-y masters, the void lords, to wreak havoc on Azeroth. Four of them zoomed through the Great Dark Beyond and got comfy on Azeroth, forcing different races to build things for them. They also fought silly little wars with each other which would end up killing millions, but hey. It’s just another planet.
Oh, and their playmate Y’shaarj abruptly got taken away from the fun that the four Old Gods were having. Some say it was a titan, but the Old Gods still think it was one of those strangers that the void lords told them not to talk to.
The three remaining Old Gods, C’Thun, Yogg-Saron and N’Zoth were all imprisoned deep inside Azeroth when the big bad stranger told his kiddos that they can’t just let the Old Gods run around anymore.
Aman’thul and his posse are actually facing child abuse charges, but they just pretended like everything was okay and it went away eventually.
Fast-forward like thousands of years, and N’Zoth and his goofy little thoughts actually came in handy, as the titans put him a little too close to Azeroth’s core when they yeeted him into the ocean. Because of this, he controlled Azeroth’s mannerisms, and forced her to tell Magni to fill up this random artifact that she gave him through telepathy so it could free him.
And now we’re here.
RACIAL THINGS AND ABILITIES
Here’s some racial traits, abilities and special information that we might want to know about the Old Gods.
- Language: The Old Gods speak Shath’yar. Are they trying to talk, or are they having a seizure? Who knows?
- Only Three Players Can Be Old Gods: Only three players can be Old Gods, as there’s only three known Old Gods on Azeroth who are still alive 'n kicking. Sorry, ERPers.
Now, here’s the list of racials that you’ve all been waiting for:
- Destroy Everything: Break out of your childhood prison and literally destroy everything, corrupting the game files and putting an end to WoW’s 15-year tenure on the MMORPG market.
- Time for Tentacles: A loss-of-control racial ability. Sprout double the tentacles, striking fear into the hearts of your enemies and a charm effect into the hearts of ERPers.
- Raise an Empire: Turn the entire world into the Black Empire. Fry the ocean and enslave everybody, for better or for worse.
- Death Knight: I know they’re afraid of death, but Yogg-Saron has proved time and time again that Old Gods can love it.
- Demon Hunter: They even sprout little wings when they need to jump off cliffs.
- Druid: As our friend Mortis put it, Nyan’lotha does indeed exist. Even N’Zoth becomes a cat. I’d love to see that.
- Monk: Their Spinning Crane Kick is especially potent.
- Paladin: Yogg-Saron didn’t tell you? He stole Arthas’ armor and hammer when he went to Northrend.
- Rogue: N’Zoth was forced to stay under the ocean blue for thousands of years. He saw way too many pirate ships passing overhead to not want to be a pirate.
- Shaman: Easy. Just enslave all of the elementals again and use them as battle pets. There’d be a new specialization called ‘Enslaver.’
- Warrior: Comes equipped with a dinky little helmet to top off C’Thun’s eyeball.
- Skin: From the wonderful Black Empire Black to the Void Lord Purple, there’s plenty of skin colors to splurt onto the Old Gods. They might not like it though.
- Eyes: A bunch, big, and none (for N’Zoth, C’Thun and Yogg-Saron respectively).
- Hair Styles: Who said C’Thun didn’t want to try some hair growth products on that bald eye of his? Also, N’Zoth is sure to go emo after he gets the sh*t beat out of him after tolerating Azshara for 10,000 years.
- Hair Colors: Void purple, void black, as well as void gray for when your Old God gets a little too old.
- Tattoos: Specifically Yoggy <3’s Ner’zhul.
- Facial Hair: To give your Old God that ‘daddy’ look. There’s an optional dad bod option alongside this feature to show that our little Old Gods really have grown up.
RECRUITMENT SCENARIO, MOUNT, AND ARMOR
- Scenario: Work with N’Zoth, C’Thun and Yogg-Saron to corrupt Azeroth. Why? The developers get it. Even the players are tired of this damned planet.
- Mount: The planet. This is probably the biggest mount we’ve seen yet, but the Cosmic Longboi is also coming in 9.0, so that could change.
- Heritage Armor: They’ve been hiding their costumes that the void lords stitched for them because they’re too embarrassed to put them on. The denizens of Azeroth have come out in support of the Old Gods, though, so they’ll feel comfortable in their wonderful regalia.
If you’re still questioning why an Old God would be the perfect allied race after Mechagnomes and Vulpera, who are you? Get out.
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