I'm making this post with a throwaway account to maintain my anonymity, hopefully you will understand why if you decide to read below. It's a pretty long post pertaining to my personal struggle.
TLDR; I was determined to commit suicide, but got help. When I was still on my weakest, SL helped me get through it.
For the majority of my life, I've had depression but didn't know it.
I had always suspected it but had no clinical diagnosis for it.
During last year there were quite a few things that made me live life to the fullest. Man, it was such a wild ride. So many things had been accomplished and done, things that I had dreamed of doing for my entire life. Honestly, it felt like life was complete and I had done everything I needed to do.
It's around summer when Reckful committed suicide. I was devastated. Still am, actually. Fucking miss that guy so much and feel sad thinking about him even now. I don't know why, but I think that was the turning point, which planted the seed.
Summer ended, and this feeling of "being done" only became reinforced. For the first time in my life I had begun to develop an obsession with going out, just like Reckful. As if it was just meant to be, and there is nothing I can do anymore to fight back. All my life I've had cycles of sabotaging myself to the rock bottom, then I eventually fought back to climb back up and live the good life. But this time, it was different. I just didn't have it in me anymore.
As the temperatures dropped, so did my plans deepen, to commit suicide.
Thinking about it now, it's actually pretty fucking scary. I was reckless as hell. Basically everything I did was in mind with trying to invite the grim reaper over. Things like driving the motorcycle 250km/h+ without protective gear or quitting fitness and healthy lifestyle alltogether. Everything that is so out of character to me.
So it deepened further. It was all planned out. Now it's around october-ish, when I finally had decided when it would all end. I made a long suicide letter detailing all my motives for doing so and why it has to be this way.
After publishing it I would have rode my motorcycle as fast as it possibly can go, as long as possible, before crashing head-on with something. It was meant to be.
I cut off all contact to my friends, and family with the most ridiculous excuses. In my mind, this would bring finality to it, so that there would be no turning back. When I told my brother that it's over and we will never talk again, it hurt more than anything I've ever felt and I've felt a lot of loss and grief during my short life. It hurt him even more than me.
This is when I sobered up and realized what the fuck I had done.
I needed help. I called my best friend and hesitated to tell him but he made me speak because he sensed something was up. Then I cried my fucking eyes out. Last I cried was 6 years ago, so it's not often I do that. I was so desperate that I didn't know what else to do. It was my last cry for help, because if he wouldn't have answered me, I'd have been gone.
Since then, I've gotten diagnosed with major depressive disorder of the severe kind ( I don't know if this is the actual clinical term in english ) and have gotten treatment as well as am under heavy medication. Everything is going back to normal piece by piece, but there is a lot of work to be done. Friends and family understand and give all their support. It's unreal.
This is where WoW comes in. The above clinical diagnosis has made me understand so much of what's been wrong with me all my life. And during all those times, WoW has been there to help me survive. It sounds ridiculous, but this is the truth.
This entire episode has been extremely exhausting and I still struggle. The urges and thoughts are still there, but it's getting easier.
So then Shadowlands came out. I had nothing but free time due to sick leave now, and had not played WoW for years. There was a recommendation on youtube for the new uther trailer and it was jaw-dropping.
A bit of looking around and bam, Shadowlands bought with subscription.
From the launch day up until this day, I've played nonstop. It feels like the discovery years of WoW for me. The magic is all there. I just cannot put in to words how amazing it's been as an experience and am actually in tears thinking about it. Yeah, whatever, I'm a pussy, so what?
Everything is just so great. The setting of the world is so spot-on. I really like how they visualised the fantasy of different types of afterlives. I never get tired of looking up at the sky with it's oil painting-like vivid colors in Oribos and listening to the music. So beautiful, every time. It really does stop you.
The music, the art, gameplay, everything. This is just all so fantastic, seriously.
Since I had all this free time, I decided to pursue a long-time dream of mine, which is to get Gladiator. Man, it wasn't easy let me tell you. The 1800-1900cr plateau made me push harder than I think I've ever done in my life, but I was determined to go through it. It had to be done, if even for sentimental reasons. I had to prove to myself that I can achieve something in my life and not be a worthless piece of shit.
After actually achieving it, I realized, it didn't actually matter. It means nothing. It's an unbelievable feeling and I can't stop staring at the mount don't get me wrong, but there's another realisation in this. It was all alright now. It was not what would save me from myself, because the carrot always ends at some point or another. It's that the game has been there for me every time I was down on my luck, to draw the attention away from the not-so-good things. And this time around, it really did succeed in it. It's like glue, man.
I can honestly say this is the best expansion they've ever made, and I've played since TBC, so that's saying a lot. I really, really wish you won't let the negative comments and opinions cloud your mind and make changes based on the popular opinion, Blizzard. You really put effort in to this, and it shows. I can't for the life of me understand how everyone it seems is being so disrespectful and insulting.
To all of you who made this expansion possible, I want to sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without you, I would have lost the battle long ago.
Thank you and apologies for the incoherent ramble to anyone who read through this story. I watched Bellular's review of SL and thought it was way too harsh, so I felt this needed to be said. Some don't like it, but there are still people who love it from the bottom of their hearts. I am one of them.
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© Post "This expansion saved my life." for game World of Warcraft.
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